My Big Fat Ninja Wedding
by Razell
Summary: Konoha prepares for two weddings, Kidoumaru and Sakura, and Shikamaru and Tayuya. New story. Sequel to Stray Dogs and Kidoumaru Does Konoha! OOC/OCs. Finished.
1. Chapter 1

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 1

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Abumi Zaku held up the diamond to the light of the sun streaming into the small jewelry store from the picture windows,"Men have conquered nations, waged wars, enslaved and killed each other just to have something like this . . . A shiny crystal." "You're bumming me out, Windbag." Kidoumaru grinned, "Can you set it?" Zaku grunted in aggravation, "_Can_ I set it? _Can I set it?!_ I could implant it into your third eye if I wanted!" The store owner, Tani, slid over and stood next to the apprentice jeweler, "I have a lot of faith in Zaku here, he's a natural." Kidoumaru nodded, "I know, it's just so much fun to tease him. We wouldn't have come all the way to Kusagakure if we didn't think he could do the job." Zaku gave a cocky grin, "You_ probably_ thought I could give you a _discount_. Sorry, but I can't." Kidoumaru shrugged, "It wouldn't be the same if I was cheap, would it?" He turned to Sakura, "Only the _best_ for you, Babe." Sakura smiled, "_You're_ the best for me . . ." Zaku made a puking sound, "Take it outside, please!" Kidoumaru smiled, Zaku had grown quite a bit since coming back from the dead, now he was sixteen and holding both a steady job and a steady relationship. Kidoumaru himself had changed, he was seventeen now, taller, healthier, happier and more easygoing than he'd ever been in Otogakure. He was a Chuunin, an instructor at the academy, adopted by a great clan and, most of all, engaged to be married . . . Life was good. Now they were shopping for wedding rings. "You guys are coming over for dinner tonight, right?" "Of course, I wouldn't turn down an invitation for free food!" Zaku smirked and winked at Kidoumaru, "So, Kidoumaru, are you planning on breaking Kankurou's two day non-stop record?" Kidoumaru blushed, "That's none of your business!"They turned at the sound of the door opening, "You #! Should really get a #! Bigger sign!" Tayuya walked in, dragging a half-awake Shikamaru. Zaku groaned, "Hi, Shikamaru! . . . Oh no, _she's_ here . . . Hey, Tani-San, this is the girl I was telling you about, the one with the mouth." Tani nodded, "I figured that." "You little . . ." Tayuya caught herself, "We got lost trying to find this place." Kidoumaru shook his head, _If they hadn't stopped to make out, we could have all come here together._ "She's not coming to dinner is she?" "Hell yes I am!" Tayuya grinned at Zaku, then pulled Shikamaru over to the nearest counter to examine the wares. She pointed forcefully at a large, expensive diamond ring, "That one!" Shikamaru shook his head, but knew better than to argue with her. Kidoumaru truly hated to admit it, but his former teammate and future sister-in-law had really filled out. He shuddered and turned back to Zaku, "Now, I was thinking a cherry blossom design on her ring . . ." Tayuya grinned, "Hey, Spidey! Did you know I'm getting you a wedding gift?" "Really?" Kidoumaru asked before he could stop himself. "Yeah, _six_ sticks of _deodorant_!" Kidoumaru groaned, "I think I'll get Shikamaru a _muzzle_ to keep you quiet." Tayuya stepped over to Sakura, "Trust me, after a workout he smells like week-old #!" Sakura shook her head, "Tayuya, just stuff it before I put a fist in it!" "Geeze, nobody around here can take a #! joke . . ."

_So, he has money, too . . ._ The glowing green eyes narrowed as Kakuzu watched his partner's killer from the shadows of a nearby rooftop, _I could get him on the train, but then he'd have paid his fair . . . _The Missing-Nin considered for a moment, _With Kidoumaru and the others, he's pretty well protected. I have to find a way to get him alone . . ._ He crouched on the rooftop,_ I'll have your head, Nara Shikamaru. Believe it._

"This is delicious, Tomoe-San." Kidoumaru nodded politely. "I should hope so, Mizuki cooked it." Tomoe laughed and gestured toward the blue-haired Chuunin. Kidoumaru grinned sheepishly, "Sorry about that. It's really good though." "Thanks." Mizuki smiled. The table in the Naraku house had proven too small for the gathering, so they had decided to have a picnic on the savannah. Akira, Tomoe, Eiji, Zaku, Kin, Mizuki, Kidoumaru, Sakura, Shikamaru and Tayuya were all sitting in a clearing, eating. "So, Tayuya," Kin leaned toward the foul-mouthed girl, "Any tips on how to get a man to propose?" "Easy! Don't #! give him a chance to say no!" Kin grinned and hooked an arm around Zaku, "You _will_ marry me!" Zaku jumped, "WHAT?!" Everyone laughed, and Kin pulled him closer, "Eiji wouldn't lecture us if we were married . . ." "You're still too young." Eiji stood up and dusted a few blades of grass from his jeans. "Ah, you're just old, Granny." "I could still kick your puny little butt, kid." "Bring it on, old man." As Eiji went to ruffle his hair, Zaku pulled him down and two began play wrestling in the grass. Shikamaru yawned and stretched out on the ground, "This is a nice place, perfect for cloud-watching and napping." "You could sleep on hot coals, Shikamaru. I can't imagine being so lazy." Mizuki grinned, "I still remember trying to help Iruka teach you, it was like lecturing a rock." Shikamaru smiled sleepily, "How many buckets of cold water do you think you poured on me in class over the years?" "Not enough."

Kakuzu crouched hidden in the long, thick grass several yards away, all the love and family togetherness making him sick. _Killing this kid will be an act of mercy, who'd want to spend the rest of their life with that red-headed harpy?_

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 2

Kakuzu wasn't in the habit of avenging the deaths of his partners, due in large part to the fact that he was usually the one who killed them in the first place. But Hidan was different, Kakuzu had despised the foul-mouthed fanatic, but Hidan had brought him back after he died in battle with that worthless Kakashi, and so he owed him. Hidan was dead, due to the Nara boy, and the Shinigami had seen to it that no more unauthorized resurrections would take place. The best Kakuzu could do to repay his fallen partner was to send his killer to hell with him. He stood in the shadows, heavily disguised, watching his prey.

Tayuya leaned against her fiancee, "Shikamaru, I was thinking . . ." "It's a miracle!" Zaku ducked to avoid Tayuya's fist, "As I was #! Saying, remember Kotaro, he could perform at the wedding. It's only fitting, since we're both summoners who play flutes." "Kotaro the Summoner? I heard he was dating Temari now . . ." Kin added, wondering if it would affect anything having the groom's former girlfriend involved . . . "You know, Sasuke plays the flute too . . ." Sakura joined in, "I'm sure he'd be happy to play for you." Shikamaru rubbed his eyes, "Yeah, I guess . . . But wouldn't we need something else, to go along with the flutes?" he turned slightly, "I gotta' go, I'll be right back." Shikamaru headed toward a nearby public restroom, not realizing he was being followed.

Shikamaru was washing his hands when Kakuzu came in, and didn't notice him. Kakuzu pulled out a kunai and stepped toward Shikamaru, raised the blade high . . . And was knocked into a nearby stall when the door burst open and struck him, "Hey, Shikamaru!" Kidoumaru shouted, "Zaku says there's a book store on the next block, wanna' check it out?" "Sure. Hey, did you hear something just now?" Kidoumaru shrugged, "Nope." "It must have just been my imagination, then . . ." By the time Kakuzu stood up shakily and looked around, they'd already left. He cursed and staggered to the door, _So, they're going to a book store . . ._

"So, do you #! sell porn?" The worker looked at Tayuya skeptically, "No, no we don't . . ." "#! It!" Kidoumaru pulled out a paperback, _Retief of the CDT_ by Keith Laumer, "Say, Shika, have you ever read any of the _Retief_ stories? They're great books, Sci-Fi and Comedy!" Shikamaru shook his head, "No, I'm not much for Science Fiction. I thought you liked Horror?" "I like just about everything, except that Romance garbage and _Harry Potter_."

Sakura turned to Tayuya, "So, Tayuya, what do you read?" "Yaoi fanfiction. Especially _Gundam Wing_." She sighed, "Duo Maxwell is so #! Hot! I wonder if I can get Lazy-#! To grow a braid . . ." Kidoumaru shuddered. "A braid would be too troublesome to maintain," Shikamaru said, "It would take hours just to wash the thing." Shikamaru shrugged and then shuffled off to the Historical Non-Fiction section, and Kidoumaru went back to browsing, "Hey, Sakura. See anything that interests you?" Sakura held up a book with the title _Obscure Kekkai Genkai: A Guide to Rare Blood Limits_. "Do you think the Naraku Clan is in here?" "Mmmm, " he slid a arm around her, "I don't know, but it doesn't matter, I can demonstrate _all_ of our clan techniques for you . . ." "Wait till 'the honeymoon, Romeo." Kidoumaru laughed, "Maybe I will try to break Kankurou's record . . ." Sakura gave a sly grin, "I bet that was more Hana than Kankurou . . . Inuzuka are known for their _stamina_." "It takes_ two_,Babe." He raised an eyebrow, "Stamina, huh? Have you been f_antasizing_ about an Inuzuka? _Kiba_ maybe?" Sakura giggled, "Maybe. But I'm not a dog person, I'm a _spider-lover_ . . ." "I think I speak for all spiders when I say I'm eternally grateful for that . . ."

Kakuzu slipped quietly into the store and headed toward Shikamaru. "Excuse me, sir, may I help you?" Kakuzu turned to the store worker, "No, I'm fine." "Are you sure?" "I'm just browsing." "If you need anything . . ." "I need you to go away!" He walked down the isle adjacent to Shikamaru, and prepared to push the heavy bookshelf onto his enemy, _I have you now, Shikamaru_. "Sir?" Kakuzu jumped and spun around, "WHAT?!" It was a different employee, "Do you need any help? Are you looking for anything in particular?" "I'm looking for a little _peace_ and _quiet_!" "Sorry sir." The employee walked off, and Kakuzu turned back to his task, but Shikamaru was gone. He rushed out into the open area of the store, but the group had already left . . .

Kidoumaru was holding a bag full of books and beaming, "There's nothing like the scent of paper . . . I love books!" Sakura laughed, "Are you trying to make me jealous?" "Mmmmm . . . Why, are you jealous?" "Surely I'm more appealing than a bunch of paper . . ." "Depends on the paper . . ." Kidoumaru chuckled, and Sakura playfully elbowed him in the ribs. "It's getting late, we should go to the old Naraku house and get some sleep. We can say our goodbyes tomorrow after we pick up the rings." "I'll see you losers tomorrow, then." Zaku grinned, and he and Kin turned to go home, "The rings should be ready by five, train leaves for Konohagakure at eight, doesn't it?" Kidoumaru nodded, "Yeah, it does, runt."

Kakuzu smiled, _The old Naraku house. That's the one just outside the village . . . Nice and isolated, perfect._ Kakuzu had anticipated that they might be staying in the old house, and he'd prepared. One of the windows was rigged so that he could pull it out easily, and he'd memorized every inch of the place. The only problem was, which of the three bedrooms would Shikamaru be sleeping in? He had no desire to battle any of the others, especially that foul-mouthed kunoichi and her pet demons.

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 3

"Let's see," Kidoumaru scratched his head, "We have three beds and four people . . ." Tayuya grinned, "Shika and me will share a bed. We'll take the one on the left, just like last time we were here . . ." "Huh?" Shikamaru turned slightly, he hadn't been listening. "Okay, you and Shika will share a bed, and Sakura and I will . . ." He looked at Sakura and grinned wolfishly, "So, Babe . . ." Sakura grinned back, "Do you trust me not to take advantage of you, Pretty Boy?" "Mmmmmm . . .. No, but I'll risk it . . ."

Kakuzu groaned inwardly, _I can't stand this lovey-dovey crap! Kids these days . . . _He leaned back against the side of the house, thinking._ So, Tayuya and Shikamaru are sleeping together. Great, just what I need. How in the name of Mammon can I kill him without her getting involved? I could blow up the whole house, but if I kill Kidoumaru or Tayuya all the other members of the Oto-Five will hunt me down like a dog . . . Not to mention all of their friends in Konoha. I could take most of them, but the Kaguya boy is just too strong . . ._ He thought for a moment, _Of course, if I kill Shikamaru, Kidoumaru and Tayuya will both come after me, and almost certainly bring their friends. Hidan, you fool, why couldn't you have picked a fight with a rich loner? You had to kill the Sensei of a member of one of the oldest and most beloved clans in Konohagakure!_ As the lights went out in the house, Kakuzu snuck around toward the rigged window. He didn't particularly care if the others died, he didn't know Sakura and didn't like Tayuya, Kidoumaru was a nice kid, but sometimes you don't have the opportunity to pick and choose, especially with bystanders. _It's his bad luck being here._ "I wouldn't do that, Kakuzu." Kakuzu spun around, kunai in hand. The figure standing behind him was quite familiar, if unexpected. "For the Love of Money! Eiichiro?!"

Eiichiro nodded grimly, "Kidoumaru is a member of_ my_ clan, therefore his adoptive family are part of my clan as well. I can't allow you to kill _any_ of them." Kakuzu shook his head, "When did you get back? I thought Shinigami had destroyed all of the machinery." "He did. I'm still dead. I guess you could say I'm just visiting, but don't think me harmless . . ." Kakuzu felt a strange coldness around his hearts, "What are you doing!?" "I could destroy you in seconds. Now leave!" "B-but Hidan . . ." Eiichiro smiled, "I'll tell him you did your best to avenge him." He grinned, "Oh, by the way, those explosive tags you bought half-price for this job . . . They're duds." Kakuzu cursed vehemently and rushed off, vowing revenge on the merchant who'd cheated him. Eiichiro laughed and shook his head, "Cheapskate." He turned toward the house, "You guys owe me big time." Then he vanished.

Kidoumaru smiled and pulled Sakura closer against his body, "Mmmmmm, Babe, want some _brown sugar_?" "You're such a pervert, a big, sexy pervert . . ." She smiled, "Don't worry, the Sakura Festival is only a few weeks away . . ." Kidoumaru grinned, "My little Sakura at the Sakura Festival, it's gonna' be a beautiful wedding . . ." The sound of shattering glass brought both young ninja leaping to their feet, "That came from the kitchen!"

Shikamaru stood staring at the empty window, "I just tried to open the window, and the whole pane just fell off!" Kidoumaru looked over the empty window sill, "This was tampered with, someone set it up to come off easily." Tayuya sighed and pulled out her flute, "We better get ready to fight, some #! Probably wanted to break in and kill us." "Oh, don't worry, he's long gone." Everyone spun around to confront the newcomer, and Tayuya gasped, "Eiichiro!?" Eiichiro shrugged, "In the spirit, if not the flesh. I caught a certain assassin skulking around here, so I convinced him to leave. He won't be back." He turned to Kidoumaru, "You look a little pale . . ." "That's because I'm seeing a ghost!" Eiichiro gave a wry smile, "Oh really, I seem to recall you dying a few years back." Kidoumaru leaned heavily against the windowsill, "Sorry . . . Thanks for stopping . . . Who was it who was trying to kill us?" Eiichiro grinned, "Sorry, that information's classified! But he was working alone, just a personal grudge, so you don't need to worry about anyone else being sent." "Why did you help us?" "Because you're all my family now." He made a dramatic gesture of looking at a nonexistent watch, "Sorry, I have to go back to hell now. Give my regards to Eiji and Zaku." He vanished in a flash of light. "I'm #! Getting out of this dump! It's #! Haunted!" Tayuya ran to get her stuff, "I'm going to a #! Hotel! Shikamaru! C'mon!" Shikamaru shrugged, "Yes, dear . . ." Kidoumaru turned to Sakura, "Worried?" Sakura laughed, "No. Why? Are you scared of the ghost? Don't worry, I'll protect you!" Kidoumaru smirked, "I feel better already." He sighed, "I better go clean up that broken glass, don't want some kid to come along and accidentally cut their throat or something . . ." Kidoumaru grabbed a trash basket and slipped out the back door. "If I were an Inuzuka, I could scent this guy out and trail him." "If you were an Inuzuka, there'd always be a dog between us . . . Poor Kankurou-San, I wonder how he managed to make twins with Shiromaru around." Kidoumaru grinned, Inuzuka Gaara and Hige, named for Kankurou's brother and Hana's late father respectively, had been born a few months earlier in Sunagakure. "So, Babe, what do you say we outdo them? I was thinking quadruplets . . ." Sakura laughed, "Just keep dreaming."

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 4

Kidoumaru shook all six of Eiji's hands, "We can expect you guys at the wedding, right?" Eiji patted him on the back, "Sure thing. We're friends and family." The group stood on the platform of the Kusagakure train station, waiting for the eight PM train to Konoha. "Sorry about the window . . ." Shikamaru lay sprawled shamelessly on a bench. "That's alright," Eiji laughed, "That wasn't your fault. I can't believe you saw Eiichiro!" "You should have #! Told us that #! House is haunted!" Zaku laughed at Tayuya, "What's a matter? Are you scared of ghosts?" Tayuya shook her fist menacingly at the boy, who quickly took shelter behind Akira. The sound of the approaching train began to reach the station. Sakura stepped forward, "Thank you, Zaku. You did a beautiful job on the rings." Zaku smiled and stepped out from cover, "Thanks, but the boss helped me. I just wanted to be sure it was perfect." He fidgeted a little, "Hey, Sakura. You're not . . . Mad about that time I tried to kill you, are you?" Kidoumaru grinned, "Now that you mention it, I'd forgotten about that! I guess I'll just have to kill you." He laughed, "Just kidding! You're not still angry, right Babe?" "No, that was a long time ago . . . I don't blame you for that, you were just doing what_ He_ told you to do." She turned and shook Kin's hand, "Remember, you guys are always welcome in Konoha." "Say hi to Dosu for me." Zaku pouted, "What, do you have a crush on Dosu or something?" Kin smirked and ran a hand down his chest, "Why, _jealous?_" He put his arms around her, "I just don't want him stealing my girl." "_Your_ girl? Maybe you're_ my_ boy . . ." The train slid into the station, and the travelers began to board, "Well, g'bye!" Zaku waved at them, "See ya' at the wedding, freaks!"

"Are you going to be able to . . ." Kankurou didn't know how to say it. "Deal with it?" Temari sighed, "I have to, don't I? We both have new lives, new loves . . . Shikamaru isn't my property, he has his own life." "I hope Tayuya doesn't expect him to work, jan." Kankurou laughed, "He'd rather die than do actual physical labor . . ." Temari laughed too, "Poor Tayuya's going to have to do everything!" "What's so funny?" Gaara walked up behind them, smiling. He was trying . . . "We were just talking about Shikamaru and his new owner, jan." "Owner?' Gaara cocked his head curiously, "Oh, you mean Tayuya. She's almost as scary as you, Temari." Kankurou fell to the ground laughing wildy, and even Temari chuckled a bit. "Speaking of _owners _. . ." Hana walked over, pushing a double stroller, "Hi Gaara-Sama, Temari-San." Gaara stooped down to play with the twins as Kankurou straightened his hood and kissed his wife on the cheek, "I guess it's my turn to mind the kids, jan." Gaara picked up his namesake, "He even looks like me. Red hair and green eyes." He held the baby close against his chest, _You'll never be lonely like I was . . ._

Kidoumaru sat in the dining car, drinking a cola. He looked out through the window over the swiftly receding grasslands, "I wasn't expecting so much excitement on this trip. Assassins, ghosts . . ." Sakura laughed, "Well, since the ghost scared off the assassin, I'd say we were pretty lucky." Kidoumaru grinned, "I wonder how Eiichiro-San keeps sneaking out of hell." He paused thoughtfully, "He always was a slippery devil." Sakura leaned forward, "I wonder who our would-be-assassin was." "From the worn-out, cheap sandal prints we found, I'd say it was Kakuzu-San, greedy old man would rather die than spend his coin on anything if he can help it." "What I don't get is, how can Tayuya be afraid of ghosts when she summons demons?" "You're the doctor, you know how phobias are, a guy might, say be unfazed by wounds, but terrified by the blood coming out of it. It doesn't always make sense, even to the person with the phobia, but it still scares them out of their wits, no matter what their mind is telling them." He took a drink, "Though, sometimes, it's easy to understand, like Zaku's fear of bugs." "And what do you fear?" "_Losing_. I lost everything once, my team, my life . . . My parents . . . " Kidoumaru shook his head, "Let's talk about something else . . ." "Sorry, I wasn't thinking." Sakura took his hand, "You've gained a lot, too. A lot of friends, a new family . . . A beautiful girlfriend, if I do say so myself." They both laughed, but Sakura's thoughts wandered, _I just wish your parents had enough humanity left in them to forgive you . . ._

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 5

Kidoumaru couldn't help but feel a little guilty, after all, Rock Lee and Naruto, both great guys, had been vying for Sakura's attentions before he came. _How could they not? She's worth it! And I just came in and we fell in love. But they've moved on, Lee's got Ino and Naruto's got Hinata . . . Still, I almost feel like I stole her away. Of course, I'm not giving her back, I'm too attached to her . . ._ He lay back in his bunk and began examining his ring, the one Obito had given him. "_The King_," He laughed, "Madara was an arrogant son of a . . ."

Tayuya shook her finger, "You will_ NOT_ smoke! And if I _ever _catch you drunk like your old man . . ." "Bah, troublesome woman . . ." Shikamaru yawned, "I quit smoking years ago, and I'm not gonna' turn into a drunk. I'm just a lazy guy. I'm happy with what I have . . ." He grinned and patted her on the butt, "Like you." She grinned, "Oh no, _I_ have _you_ . . ."

"DIE, Aburame scum!" Zaku whipped out his can of bug spray and coated the roach in a thick layer of poison. "You reckon if I sprayed Shino with this, he'd die?" Eiji picked up the now dead roach in a paper towel and threw it in the waste bin, "I don't know, but I wouldn't try it." "We need to put out more traps." Eiji was washing his hands at the sink, and didn't turn around, "We have plenty of traps, and this is the first roach I've seen in months, probably snuck in from outside." He sighed, "Still, one is too many when it's in the house." "One is too many on the whole #! _Planet_!" "Don't curse." Eiji chided, then shook his head, "Everything on this planet serves some kind of function, roaches help clean away garbage." Zaku grunted, "And carry diseases . . . What purpose did the Snake serve?" Eiji turned to look at his adoptive brother, "I guess he served to prove the existence of evil for anyone who doubted it." He laughed softly, "Now he's serving as entertainment for the demons in hell."

Kidoumaru jumped to the station platform and waved to his friends, "Hey! We're back!" "Nobody missed your #!, Spider-Boy." Tayuya stepped from the train, Shikamaru in tow. "Kidoumaru!" A green blur struck Kidoumaru like a fist, taking him in a Youthful bear-hug, "Lee!" "OFF! He's mine!" Sakura smacked Lee on the head, and he pulled back, rubbing his head, "How were our absent friends?" "Mean as always." Kidoumaru turned to his fellow former Oto-Nins, "Hey Dosu, Kin asked about you." he grinned, "And guess what, we saw a ghost!" "A ghost!" Obito put an arm around him, "Tell Obito about it!"

"Oh. My. God. Look at that rock!" Ino snatched the ring from it's box and stared at the glistening gem, "I told Lee, if the ring isn't as shiny as your teeth, I'll kill you!" "Nice design!" Tenten remarked, "A cherry blossom, right? Kidoumaru is very poetic, isn't he?" "Poetic? I guess so. He's really into symbolic things." Sakura snatched her ring back from Ino, Tenten sighed, "He's a lot more poetic than Kiba." "HEY!" Kiba turned toward the girls, "I heard that!" They all broke out giggling, and Tenten stroked Kiba's cheek, "Don't worry, I'm not jealous . . . I like the_ ring_ you gave me." Tayuya walked over and proudly held out her own ring, "Wait till you see the #! Rock Shika bought me . . ."

The night guards watched dubiously as the red-robed figure approached the East Gate of Kusagakure, they were especially wary of the giant, three-bladed scythe he wore on his back. "HALT!" One stepped in front of the man, noting his deathly pale skin and cold demeanor, "Who are you, and what is your business here?" The man bowed, "I am merely a religious wanderer. I had heard that there is a young man in this village I have been seeking. Perhaps you've heard of him, his name is Abumi Zaku." The guard steeped back a bit, "And what do you want with Zaku?" The man smiled grimly, "I want to show him the light . . ." Both ninja were dead before they even saw him move . . .

"Come, stand beside me," Jashin motioned for Eiichiro to stand beside him, "I have an interesting diversion planned, one you will surely appreciate." Something in Jashin's tone troubled Eiichiro, nonetheless he took his place hesitantly beside his dark god.

To be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 6

Kidoumaru and Sakura stood amongst the grove of cherry trees they'd chosen for their wedding ceremony. Kidoumaru smiled, "Mmmmm . . . Nice, isn't it Babe?" Sakura took a deep breath of the fresh, cool night air, "I can't think of a better place for a wedding." Kidoumaru reached up and plucked a blossom from the nearest branch, then set it in Sakura's hair, "Perfect."

"So, baby," Mizuki smiled and put his arm around the shoulders of his girlfriend, Reiko, "Did I ever tell you about the time I fought a whole pack of bandits on the road to Amegakure? It was just me and . . . Oh my God . . ." Mizuki froze and looked at the robed figure passing on the opposite side of the street, "Go back home, and lock the doors." "Why? what's wrong?" "I have to warn some people . . . That guy over there, he's a Jashinist!" " A wha . .. Oh!" Yoko gasped, "The one's whose god Zak . . ." Mizuki pulled her into the shadows, out of sight, "He must be after Zaku!" He whispered, "I have to warn them."

"C'mon! I'm coming!" Akira called toward the door and the urgently knocking person or persons on the other side, "It's after ten . . ." He opened the door to a frantic Mizuki, "Mizuki! Are you alright?" "Is Zaku here? I just saw a Jashinist priest in the village! He must be after Zaku . . . We have to get ready to fight!" It was only then that Akira noticed the blaring alarm ringing out over the city.

"Zaku!" Akira pulled the door open to find Zaku sprawled on his bed, fast asleep, clad only in his dark blue Superman briefs. Any other time Akira would have laughed, "Zaku!" Akira shook him, "Wha . . ." Zaku's eyes widened, "I didn't do it!" Zaku sat up, rubbing his head. "Get dressed and ready, there's a Jashinist priest in the village!" "A what?!" Kin stuck her head the room, and Zaku blushed and pulled a blanket over himself, "Hey! I'm half-naked here!" Kin laughed, "That's okay, I have plenty of _pictures . . ._"

"I've noticed," Jashin said, "That your loyalties appear to be divided, and you are struggling with doubts. I find that most . . . _Disappointing_". Eiichiro frowned, "You intend to have my family killed, Jashin-Sama?" "Your own brother aided the Invisible Blade in destroying our order, therefore, they should die together. You must make _sacrifices_ . . ." Eiichiro fell silent for a moment, _That's exactly what Orochimaru said, when I condemned his betrayals . . ._ He spoke softly, "Jashin-Sama, I have served you loyally for most of my life, and I have never once asked . . ." "Mercy? Mercy is a sin to us, remember. One could say that I am showing mercy by tolerating your presence." He smiled, "Do not fear, I shall have all of them save Zaku killed quickly. Something more painful is do the Invisible Blade. I do recall from my days in Assyria, an old practice, the skinning alive of one's enemies . . ." Eiichiro's eyes narrowed, "Then you are decided?" "Quiet! The fun is about to begin." Eiichiro smiled, and looked up at his lord, "I have someone I'd like you to meet, Jashin-Sama." He grabbed Jashin by several wrists, and teleported away.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Jashin roared, enraged. "He was right." Eiichiro said simply, "As much as I detest Orochimaru and all he stands for, he was right. You are nothing more than a glorified_ demon_. You are evil!" Jashin struck him, but Eiichiro stood tall, "Look!" He motioned toward the great black mass before them, "The Black Slime That Devours! A being more ancient than you or your father . . . And far more powerful!" He grasped Jashin's legs and flung him into the Slime, Jashin screamed as his body was swiftly devoured, "Give my regards to Danzo."

"I've never seen you use your technique, Kin." Eiji said softly, eyeing the shadows, "At least, not in battle. Will the bells affect us, too?" Kin smirked, "I can control them . . ." "Remember, whatever you do, don't let him draw your blood!" Eiji said urgently, "He can use your blood to transfer his wounds to you . . ." "He's here!" Akira whispered, motioning toward a red-robed figure walking out of the shadows. "Nomura." Eiji said softly, "It's been a while. I thought you were dead." "I was . . . Incapacitated when you betrayed us, heathen. And I will destroy you all for that crime." "What the hell are we talking for?" Zaku raised his palms and blasted the approaching priest. His ears caught the sound of running footsteps, "Impossible, I hit you head on!" Nomura rushed from the cloud of debris, swinging murderously at Zaku, who barely had time to dodge, "I have many powers!" Twin streams of webbing struck the priest, sending him flying backwards into the grass, then he lept back to his feet, "You'll have to do better than that to catch me. I can cancel out the Invisible Blade's air attacks, and I can tear through your webbing ever better than you can. Jashin-Sama has given me everything I need to destroy you! " Kin laughed, "So, you can beat Zaku's power, and you can beat the webs, but how about . . . This?" She flung a number of senbon toward the priest, who dodged them easily, laughing, as they struck a wooden post, "Is that the best you have?" "No," Kin smiled, and the sound of bells filled the air. Nomura screamed and clutched at his ears, "What in Jashin-Sama's name is this? _Sorcery_?!" Zaku grinned, "It's the sound of bells, dumb-#!" He raised his palms, and here's the grand finale . . ." He blasted the ground beneath the priest, sending him tumbling into a crater. 'Show's over." A group of ninja began to gather around the scene, "Where is he?" One asked. "In the hole." Zaku pointed, just as the enraged priest lept out, swinging his scythe. A gigantic shuriken whistled through the air and buried itself in Nomura's chest, knocking him backward several feet. Mizuki walked over as the priest struggled to pull the weapon out, and kicked him in the face, knocking him out. "You reckon this fool can die?" He asked as he pulled the shuriken out and wiped the blades clean with a rag. "I don't know, but I don't think I'd shed too many tears over him." Eiji said softly. "Thanks, Mizuki-san." Zaku said, "And you too Kin . . ."

Zaku picked up the holy scythe Nomura had dropped in his defeat, "Man, I could do some serious damage with this puppy!" He turned toward Mizuki, "Hey, 'Zuki, ya' want this?" Mizuki turned slightly from the ninja he was speaking to, "No." "Dibs!" Eiji looked over the scythe, "Be careful with that thing, it's sharper than a razor. What do you want with that thing, anyway?" Zaku shrugged, "Just keep it for show, I guess." Eiji put a hand to his forehead, "I'll put up something on the wall for you to hang it up . . . _Safely_."

Eiichiro sat cross-legged on the floor of his home, finishing the final sentences of the final chapter of _The Book of Aku_, writing in Orochimaru's blood;

_And Eiichiro, Fifth of the Five High Priests of Jashin, threw Jashin-Sama into The Black Slime That Devours, where his suffering was unending . . ._

To be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 7

Kidoumaru grinned and walked over to the blue-haired figure seated at the table in the Barbeque Rack, "Mizuki-San?! Glad you could come so soon." He put a hand on the man's shoulder, and the man twirled around, his hand going to the sheath of a katana, "What do you want?" Kidoumaru's eyes widened, the man was about the same age and general appearance of Touji Mizuki, but had two thin tattoos, one under each eye, almost like a 'crying' clown's face paint, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." "Obviously." A heavily scarred, even more heavily tattooed man with one eye leaned across the table, grinning eagerly, "Want me to kill him, Zouri? I haven't killed anyone in a long time." Zouri shook his head, "You're an idiot, Waraji. We can't afford to make trouble_ here_, especially over something this small. Besides, can't you feel his Chakra? He could kill us both." Kidoumaru bowed respectfully, "Once again, apologies, Zouri-san, wasn't it? You do look a lot like Mizuki-San, though, except for the tattoos, and . . ." He slapped his own forehead and groaned, "The fact that you're in Samurai clothing!" The men looked him over, taking note of his six arms, third eye and immense Chakra reserves, "You must be that Kidoumaru everyone's talking about." "Yes, sir." "From Otogakure?" "Making new friends?" Sakura walked up and put an arm around Kidoumaru, then looked closely at the two Samurai, "You two look familiar, have we met before?" "NO!" They both said at once. "C'mon, Kidoumaru, let's let these guys eat in peace." "Nice to meet you." Kidoumaru bowed again, before Sakura drug him off to a table. Waraji shook his head as they walked off, "She was with that blonde moron who beat us up in Nami, wasn't she?" Zouri took a sip of sake, "Yeah. All the more reason to get out of here and on our way to Kusagakure."

Nomura's eyes flickered open, he was laying in a bed, his arms and legs bound, and someone was speaking, " . . . No, he's not an albino, he's much too pale. If it wasn't for his rapid healing, I'd swear he was a corpse." "He left several of _those_ behind him, doc. And just our luck, the only people to know anything about these Jashinist freaks have all left town for wedding . . . No, _two_ weddings!" He glared at the two men standing beside the door, they hadn't yet noticed he was awake. "We should never have let them settle here in the first place, this freak wanted Zaku, not us! They brought him here!" "How were they to know someone would come?" He closed his eyes, _I failed. Jashin-Sama forgive me, I never expected the one with the giant shuriken, nor the girl with the bells, I never prepared for them._ He groaned inwardly, he'd been trapped for years in that acursed Box at the bottom of Silver Buddha Lake, put there by those detestable monks. His imprisonment had prevented him from being by his god's side during that final battle, but the mystic seals painted on the wooden chest holding him had finally dissolved, and he burst out, retrieved his scythe, put the monastery to sword and flame and voyaged to the temple to find . . . Destruction. The Jashinist Order was dead, Jashin-Sama himself was dead. In the days of meditation he had learned of the events of that day, and Jashin-Sama had given him power to kill the heathen murderers, and he had been defeated by a little girl with bells and weakling. . . "I think he's awake." The doctor leaned over him as he opened his eyes, "Am I still in Kusagakure?" The second man, a soldier, pushed the doctor aside, "Yeah, too bad for you. You're going to wish you had died when I get my hands on you." Nomura laughed in his face, "You are a gnat, I have no fear of you or your torturer friends. You will die by my hands." The soldier laughed back at him, "You couldn't even kill one stupid kid, and you think you can take me?" "No. I don't _think_ I can take you, I _know_ I can take you." There was not the least hint of doubt in his voice.

"Mizuki-San!" Zouri stopped dead in his tracks as the bizarre, green-clad ninja rushed up, "Wait, you're not Mizuki-San!" Waraji broke out laughing as Gai shook his head, "Sorry, my friend, I thought you were someone else!" Waraji turned to his partner as the hyperactive Sensei rushed off, "Are you _sure _you're not this Mizuki guy?"

"So," Mizuki leaned back in his chair in the observation lounge, "What do you think will happen to our Jahinist friend?" Eiji shuddered, "I don't want to know. You know better than I how prisoners are treated." "Yeah, every time I take off my shirt . . ." Mizuki bore the scars of his former life across his body, the prison torturers had exposed him to suffering he'd never imagined possible, "I almost feel sorry for that guy." _I don't,_ Zaku didn't say so, but he couldn't bring himself to share in any sympathy for his would-be assassin. _But then, I've never been tortured, not really tortured, anyway. I've taken more than my share of beatings, cold and starvation . . . But now . . ._ He rested his head against Eiji's shoulder, "Thank you." Eiji turned slightly, "For what?" "For putting up with me." Eiji grinned and ruffled the boy's hair, "I'm glad to have you around, even if you do have a bad mouth." Zaku laughed, "If you want to talk about bad mouths, then you should talk about . . ."

Tayuya looked over the wedding schedule, "So, the #! Wind Bag and friends should get here today, and those Suna queers tomorrow. . ." Her eyes narrowed, "Did you have to #! Invite that #! Blonde whore?" Shikamaru sighed and rubbed his aching forehead, "That again? It may be troublesome, but I don't blame her for what happened. We need to put this behind us, _all_ of us." Tayuya sighed and went back to the schedule, "So, like I said, the #! Suna #! Are comin' tomorrow, and that #! Puppet-#!, Maki, he'll probably be on the same #! Train, trying to _hit on_ Kankurou, the freak . . . Why did we invite that creepy little #! Stalker again?" "He saved our lives, remember?" Tayuya shrugged, "He's still creepy . . . And they'll probably_ all_ stay here until after the Sakura Festival and Spider-Butt's wedding." She grinned, "Or maybe we should call it a '_webbing_.'"

As Zouri stepped up onto the train, he almost collided with a blue-haired man about his own age and general appearance, "You must be Mizuki." Mizuki nodded, "Have we met?" "Everyone in this whole frickin' village is looking for you." Waraji stood behind him, squinting, "He does look like you, Zouri . . . 'Cept you're a lot shorter." Zouri grunted an insult at Waraji, under his breath, as the two Samurai pushed past Mizuki and headed toward the passenger cars. "Hey, Mizuki-San," Zaku said loudly, "That guy looks like you!"

To be continued...


	8. Chapter 8

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 8

Kidoumaru shook his head, "I thought all of the Jashinists were dead." "Apparently not." Eiji nervously ran a hand through his hair, "I'd forgotten about Nomura, it's been such a long time. He's been imprisoned in an enchanted chest at the bottom of a lake for years." Sai raised an eyebrow, "An enchanted chest?" "Yes, the monks placed containing seals to prevent his escape, I take it they wore off." "Why?" "Jashinists tend to be unpopular, with their teachings of Holy Slaughter and the like . . ." "Hey, Kido, guess what I found!" Zaku reached into his bag and pulled out a small package, then handed it to Kidoumaru, "I knew you'd like this!" Kidoumaru opened the package to find a DVD, "_Godzilla versus Cthulhu_! I've been looking for this for a long time! Thanks!" Sakura laughed, "What is it with boys and monsters?" Zaku smirked, "It prepares us for _marriage_!" Kin slapped him on the back of the head, grinning, "Sexist jerk!" "So, who do you think will win? My money's on 'Zilla, he'll kick Squid-Boy's tentacles!" Kidoumaru shook his head sadly, "You poor, dumb kid. Cthulhu will drive that big lizard crazy with his telepathic powers and eat his soul like Naruto eats ramen!" Zaku grunted, "That fat slob slept for billions of years and couldn't even catch _one_ sailor on a tiny island, even when he stopped to shovel coal into his slow-#! Steamship! He's as lazy as Shikamaru here!" Kidoumaru laughed, "Touche. You got me there." Eiji slapped Zaku on the back of the head, "No cursing!" Zaku smirked and stuck out his tongue.

"Kankurou-Sama!" Kankurou looked up to see Maki heading toward him. _At least, I think that's Maki . . ._ He'd grown quite a bit in the last year or so, from a short, scrawny twelve-year old to a tall, lean teenager. He held out a gloved hand to shake, Kankurou took it, "I almost didn't recognize you, jan. How've you been?" "Good, you?" "Great." Maki turned toward Gaara, who was holding the twins for Hana, "Cute, two little puppeteers . . . Nice to see you again, Kazekage-Sama, Hana-San." Gaara nodded politely, and Hana smiled. "My, you look handsome. You've really grown, haven't you?" Maki blushed and bowed slightly, "Thank you. You look beautiful, too." Kankurou's eyes narrowed, "You are trying to take my place, aren't you, jan?" Maki gestured frantically with his hands, "NO! Of course not!" Kankurou laughed, "It's okay, she is beautiful."

"Sakura, how are you going to get Kidoumaru into a tux?" Kin asked. Sakura grinned, "Simple, I'm going to cut off four of his arms." She laughed as everyone stared in shock, "I'm joking, we've had a special tux made up, six sleeves." Tayuya laughed loudly, "Probably just be cheaper and easier to cut off his #! Arms!" Sakura sighed, "_You_ would . . ." "_What_ the #! Is _that_ supposed to mean?" "So, Sakura," Kin changed the subject, "Where are you two going to live?" "My house, why get a new place when I have a perfectly good home?" "What about you, Tayuya?" Tayuya smirked, "We're getting an apartment. He wanted us to move in with his parents, but how am I supposed to #! Him with his parents around?" Hinata turned bright red and nearly fell out of her chair as Ino and Tenten broke out laughing.

Kankurou looked Maki in the eye, "It's hard, isn't it?" Maki nodded, knowing exactly what he meant, "Someone has to become a ninja and protect the village. I knew what I was getting into." "I never had a choice, that pig . . He knew exactly what he wanted us to do, and we had no say in it. I would have chosen to be a ninja anyway, though, the honor of protecting the village, stopping bandits and criminals . . . Still, taking a life . . . The first time I killed someone, I had nightmares for weeks, jan." Maki paled slightly, "It's hard, because I know they're just like me, fighting for their village, or following orders from somebody who probably doesn't care if they die." Kankurou sighed, "When we were at the Chuunin exams, I overheard Kidoumaru-San talking to Sakura-San, he said something about how he hated being a ninja now, and he felt guilty about teaching kids how to kill, but he knew they'd be in battle no matter what he did, so he needed to help them learn how to _survive_." He smiled, "The first thing he does when he gets a new class, is to tell them to make sure they _really_ want to be ninja in the first place. Hell, even if you're not a ninja, or any other kind of soldier, sometimes you still have to fight, jan. Eiji-San, he's a pacifist, he _hates_ violence, he never wanted to harm anyone, but he had to kill his own brother to protect the world from Jashin." Maki nodded gravely, "I heard about that, jan. He saved a lot of people . . . But it still must hurt like crazy." "Hey, Kitty!" Temari smacked Maki on the back of the head, "I need you to remind . . . Oh, sorry! I thought you were Kankurou!" Maki grinned, "Thanks!"

Nomura glared through swollen eyes as the soldier began another round, "Where are you based?" The interrogator's voice was harsh and full of menace. Nomura snarled, "I don't have one. The temple was destroyed by that brat." "I can see we'll have to take this to the next level." The soldier walked over to a black bag and picked up a needle filled with a greenish fluid, "I'd say this won't hurt, but I'd be lying." For several minutes loud, horrific screams filled the prison complex. Nomura stepped outside the room, covered in blood, and smiled, "I warned you I would kill you." He looked back over the carnage he'd left in the interrogation room, then calmly walked away.

To be continued...


	9. Chapter 9

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 9

"Both of them . . . And we just adopted Kidoumaru a a few years ago . . ." Nara Yoshino shook her head, "Now it's just going to be me and your lazy butt." Shikato grunted, "Look on the bright side, two less mouths to feed . . ." Yoshino glared at her husband, "Six less hands to do your chores!" Shikato shuddered, "You're right, it is a tragedy!" Yoshino laughed harshly and walked over to examine the floral decorations, "Tayuya is a very practical girl, just like me." "Yeah, like you she's a troublesome, overbearing slave driver." Shikato ducked to avoid a flying chair, "Are you crazy woman?!" "Crazy to marry a lazy, no-good bum like you!" Tayuya laughed and nudged Shikamaru in the ribs, "Your parents are cool." Shikamaru shrugged, "They're troublesome." Yoshino turned, "Oh, I didn't see you kids there. We're just setting up for the wedding." Tayuya grinned and dragged Shikamaru down the aisle, "It's nice. I honestly never expected I'd get married some day." "I wonder why . . ." "What did you say, you Lazy-#!" Shikamaru shuddered, "Nothing dear!" Yoshino laughed, "That's it, you have to keep a firm hand on these louts. Take Shikato . . . Please!" Both women started laughing as both men groaned loudly . . .

Hell was in chaos.

The fall of Jashin had left a large power vacuum, he had been worshiped by many of the Oni, as well as his own priests and servants, and commanded great authority. Many of those beings feared Eiichiro now, and quite a few hated him for deposing their god. Eiichiro didn't much care, though he was worried about retaliation from Asshur. However, a number of prisoners had taken opportunity of the confusion to attempt an escape. Eiichiro was concerned with one soul in particular . . .

Eiichiro smiled as he caught sight of Orochimaru. The fallen High Priest of Jashin approached the perverted snake, "Morning, Snake. Or is it daytime? Or night, I never can tell, no day or night here in hell you know." Orochimaru smiled at him, "I heard you betrayed your precious Jashin-Sama. Was it not for betrayal that you condemned me?" Orochimaru laughed, an awful, hissing laugh. "Actually, he betrayed me first. Jashin had no dependance on me, he did not worship me as Zaku worshiped you. My attacking him was as much a betrayal as Sasuke killing you, _justifiable_." Orochimaru laughed again, "You are very good at deceiving yourself, aren't you? You are a hypocrite. No matter, now I am unbound, and I will avenge myself upon you once I seize control." Orochimaru rushed forward, attempting to use an Earth-Style technique, only to find that his chakra abilities had ended with his life. He cursed and swung a demon-forged sword at Eiichiro, who barely managed to dodge, gaining a thin red cut across his chest. He lept back and stared in shock, "I . . . I think I felt that!" Orochimaru grinned and pressed home his attack as the unarmed Eiichiro fell back, then spit webbing at the Snake. As Orochimaru dodged, laughing, only to fall back as Eiichiro flung sharp sand into his eyes, then grasped his sword arm, ripping it off. As Orochimaru screamed in agony, Eiichiro stared in wonder, he could feel the warm blood on his skin, the wound on his chest, the arm he was holding. It was a new experience, he had been born without the sense of touch, of pain. Now he was almost overwhelmed by the new sensations. He webbed Orochimaru to the ground without giving him a thought, and sat on the hot sand . . .

"Hey, Shino. Look, it's Zaku." Shino paled and covered his crotch protectively as Zaku and Kin walked by, Zaku looked at him, barely able to keep from smirking, "Aburame." "Abumi." "Inuzuka!" Kiba shouted, and everyone turned to stare at him, "What?" Zaku shook his head, "We're just going to find a good place to look at the monument." He pointed toward the stone faces of the former Hokages of Konohagakure, "Then we're going to see the graves of the Shodaime and Nidaime and pay our respects. The we'll meet up with Dosu for lunch . . ." Kiba scratched his head, "You two were killed to bring them back, weren't you?" Zaku paled a bit and Kin nodded, "That was his doing, not theirs. Since we're back and they're gone, I guess . . . We just want to try to understand, ya' know?" "No, I can't imagine what it's like, but I hope you find whatever you're looking for." Shino said softly. Zaku nodded, "Thanks . . ."

Kidoumaru peeked into the oven, "Cookies are almost done." He clapped his hands together, "I hope we have enough for the wedding. Jirobo alone will eat more than half." "It's nice to have a man that can cook," Sakura smiled and leaned over to kiss him, "Any ideas for _our_ wedding menu?" Kidoumaru grinned impishly, "Chocolate covered cherries." Sakura laughed, "No, that's the menu for the _honeymoon_." She smirked, "Actually, I was thinking chocolate _topped_ with cherries!" They both blushed a bit, "You know . . . I'm not exactly . . . _Experienced_ . . ." Sakura frowned playfully, "Are you saying I _am_ experienced?" She laughed softly, "I know what you mean. It can't be too difficult to figure out . . . I mean, if need be, we can buy _The Icha Icha Guide to Honeymoon Bliss _. . ." Kidoumaru flushed slightly, "Thank God for Jiraiya-Sensei, right?" He looked at his watch, "We have about an hour before the train gets here. I wonder how Maki's doing . . ." Sakura laughed, "He's in fanboy heaven, if Kankurou-San made the train."

To be continued...


	10. Chapter 10

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 10

Nomura stretched out amongst the high grass of the savannah and closed his eyes, _Why does Jashin-Sama not answer? Have been forgotten? Have I been thrown out for my failure?_ He sighed softly, _No . . . I still have means and opportunity to destroy the heathens, even without my holy scythe._ He sat up and looked around at the sea of grass, he had an idea where his scythe was, the boy had probably taken it, but he'd had no time to reclaim it. He sighed and shook his head, _I must be patient, Jashin-Sama's word will come._

Kidoumaru smiled and shook Kankurou's hand, "Welcome to Konoha." He turned and bowed slightly to Gaara, "We're honored you could make it, Kazekage-Sama." "Thank you." Gaara smiled slightly. Kidoumaru picked up both twins and grinned, "They're adorable. I see they take after their mother!" Hana laughed and Kankurou smiled, "Yeah, yeah." Sakura smiled at the twins, "I hope ours are this cute . . ." "Of course our kids will be cute! Just look at their parents!" Kankurou smirked, "As long as they don't take after their dad, jan!" Kidoumaru shook his head, "So, Maki, how's life?" "Great!" Maki took his hand and shook it vigorously, "Good luck with the wedding." Kidoumaru grinned, "I don't need luck. I have Sakura."

The Super Burger Zaku looked up from his burger, "I just realized something terrible." Dosu cocked his head curiously, "What?" "Remember how I told you how we went to look at the Snake's bones? And I pissed on them?" He sighed sadly, "I just realized, that wasn't even his real body, those were that poor Genyuumaru's bones!" Kin gasped and Dosu shook his head, "Genyuumaru died a long time ago, and Oro . . . That scum twisted his body into a copy of his old one. You've seen pictures of him as a kid, he looked the same, except as a kid he was . . . I can't believe I'm saying this about _him_ . . . Cute." Dosu shuddered. "Still," Zaku said, poking at his burger, "I defiled the wrong man's bones, a guy who didn't deserve it. I need to make it right somehow." "We'll think of something," Kin said softly, "We'll fix it." She slapped him on the back of the head, "Now finish your burger, I don't want you to faint during the wedding and embarrass me!"

"I can't believe it," Mizuki shook his head, "It seems like yesterday those kids didn't know one end of a kunai from another, now they're adults, tomorrow night Shikamaru is getting married, and Sakura's getting married a few weeks from now. Hell, Kiba and Tenten are already married! It makes a man feel old . . ." Iruka smiled, "I know what you mean. Remember Konohamaru? He's sixteen now!" Mizuki laughed, "I hear he's a real pervert, even more than Naruto . . ." "And Naruto is even more perverted than Jiraiya! The student has surpassed the master in sheer perviness! I knew it was a bad idea to let Naruto go off alone with someone like Jiraiya . . ." Mizuki laughed, "I hear that old peeping-tom is ambassador to Amegakure now. Now he's corrupting them!" Iruka nodded, "From what I've heard, it started with the Sandaime, he corrupted Jiraiya, Jiraiya corrupted Yondaime, Yondaime corrupted Kakashi, Kakashi and Jiraiya corrupted Naruto, Naruto corrupted Konohamaru . . . A legacy of nymphomania." "Speaking of nymphomania, you haven't met my girlfriend Reiko yet, have you?" Iruka nearly choked, "WHAT?!" Mizuki laughed, "I'm jokin'! She's not a nympho . . . At least I don't think so."

Eiji walked into the kitchen of the apartment the family had rented for him and Zaku, rubbing his eyes. He pulled a bottle of root beer out of the fridge, opened it, and went to look for a glass. He noticed a piece of paper on the table, and picked it up, it was a note,

"Oh God no . . ."

_Everybody, sorry, but I have something I have to do in Otogakure. Don't worry, I'll be fine, but I have to do this. I'll be back as soon as I can._

_Zaku._

To be continued...


	11. Chapter 11

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 11

Eiji was chewing nervously on all thirty of his fingernails as everyone looked over Zaku's letter. "If he gets himself killed," Kin said, "I'll kill him!" Akira turned to Mizuki, "Is there anyone in Konoha with a fast summon? One that can fly?" Mizuki nodded, "Kotaro has a giant wasp summon, I'll go get him." Mizuki rushed out to find Kotaro of the Wasps, while the Naraku clan started trying to figure out what was happening. "You said he wanted to get Orochimaru's body . . ." Kin nodded, "It's Genyuumaru's body. Orochimaru stole it, he_ possessed_ him like a demon . . . Zaku felt guilty about what he did when we thought it was Orochimaru . . . I told that moron we'd fix things, but _no_ . . . He has to go off alone . . ."

"Are you sure this is wise?" Kurokaze asked cautiously, "No, but I have to do it. It's too late to go back now, anyway." Zaku didn't bother to leave his summon, he merely had Kurokaze sweep down and lift up the cage containing the remains of Genyuumaru/Orochimaru, then flew off into the forest as the few people walking the dark streets of what was once Otogakure stared in disbelief.

"Don't worry about my blindness," Kotaro said softly, helping Akira onto the summon, "My wasps see for me, and they will keep their eyes out for the boy." Akira nodded at the gaunt Jonin and turned back toward his family, "Don't worry, we'll find him. It's not like he can't defend himself out there." There was only room for two on the spindly summon, and Akira had opted to go, as Eiji was already a nervous wreck and his acrophobia would only make things worse, and he didn't want to send Kin out. With a flurry of buzzing wings the oversized wasp lifted into the air, and shot off like a rocket toward Otogakure. Kotaro smiled, "You are aware that wasps are natural predators of spiders . . ."

Shikamaru couldn't sleep. His heart was pounding like a drum, and he felt like a cornered rabbit. _Tomorrow . . . I'm getting married. I'm gonna' be just like dad. _He lay out on his hill, looking up at the stars, _Goodbye, care-free life . . . _He sighed, _Maybe it won't be too bad. Tayuya is troublesome, but we are in love, aren't we? Maybe you had it right, Asuma-Sensei, you never bothered to marry Kurenai-Sensei._ He shook his head, _No, marriage gives legal protections, poor Kurenai can't even claim she's your widow, even having your kid. I can't let that happen to my family._ He sat up and stretched, _I gotta' do this. It's what a man has to do. Besides, if I leave her at the alter, she'll hunt me down like a dog, rip my balls off and do all sorts of other unmentionable things . . ._ He stood up, shook the grass from his clothes, and headed home.

Zaku raised his palms to the ground and blasted a deep hole into the ground beside a tall tree, "I'm sorry," He said, as he began removing the desiccated remains from the small cage, placing them in the deep grave, "I can't risk going to a cemetery, not even in Konoha, everyone would forget about you and remember the Snake." He wiped his hands on his pants and began to softly blowing loose soil into the grave. Once the grave was covered he walked over to the tree, pulled out a small dagger and began to carve Genyuumaru's name on it. "I hope you rest in peace, man. That Snake screwed you even worse than he screwed me . . ." The sound of a loud, angry buzzing filled the air, and Zaku looked up to see a gigantic wasp buzzing overhead, "Oh #!"

Nomura looked curiously at the stick-thin young man resting beside a small fire in a clearing, he looked deceptively weak, but his Chakra aura was monstrously powerful, "Are you heading toward Konohagakure, priest?" Nomura nodded, of course_ he_ would recognize a Jashinist priest, "Yes. I had heard you were living in Namigakure, Uchiha Itachi." Itachi looked at him impassively, "Yes, I am. But I'm traveling at the moment." His eyes narrowed, "And I believe I know why you're on this particular path." Nomura shrugged, "No doubt you do, but it is none of your concern." "Have you ever considered that this path is the wrong path?" Itachi motioned him to sit by the fire, and he accepted, "That is amusing, coming from you." Itachi looked away quickly, but not before Nomura saw a flicker of pain in his eyes, "Yes, my path has been even darker than yours." He admitted softly, "And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life." He sighed, "What is your name, priest?" "Nomura." Itachi nodded and began stoking the fire, "Well, Nomura, we are both headed to Konoha. It's a very nice place to visit, but they tend to look unfavorably upon murder," he smiled grimly, "I know that by personal experience." Nomura stretched, "Thank you for the warning, but, I fear your reception will be far less pleasant than mine." Itachi managed a laugh, "Than I suppose we go to our deaths together . . ." "You're not so bad, for a heathen, Uchiha. I will be meditating for a while, seeking guidance from Jashin-Sama. I will not be helpless, however, remember that." "I would not imagine a Jashinist helpless at any time." Nomura assumed the Lotus position as Itachi leaned back against a fallen log. It would no doubt be an interesting night.

Akira, Zaku and Kotaro stood respectfully over the new grave as the sun began to rise over the horizon, "You should have told us, we could have went together." "I was afraid you'd say no." Akira sighed and rubbed his forehead, "Eiji's going nuts, and your mother is worried sick. We'd better get home. " "Not to mention that the wedding is this afternoon." Kotaro said, and smiled. Akira put an arm across Zaku's shoulders, "Maybe later we can see about giving this guy something more traditional, a funeral . . ."

To be continued...


	12. Chapter 12

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 12

"Dead man walking!" Sakon called out as Shikamaru strolled by. He stopped and frowned, "Ha ha." "I can't imagine anyone spending time with Tayuya by choice. And you're staying with her for _life_!" Ukon snickered. Suigetsu leaned back against the wall of the house, "Those Nara men like being bitches, it's a family tradition." Shikamaru smiled, "'Bitches', yeah, like your mothers . . ." Sakon and Ukon growled as Suigetsu laughed, "Sorry man, you got balls after all." He walked over and gave Shikamaru a pat on the back, "We're just teasing. I suppose it's a bad time to warn you, right before the wedding and all." Shikamaru smiled, "Believe me, I've considered all my options. This is the only, I hate to use the 'r' word, _responsible_ thing to do." "Good luck man, you'll need it!' Sakon laughed, "And whatever you do, don't ever mention her weight!" "I have enough experience with mom, Ino, Temari and Sakura to know how much that particular subject can hurt."

Nomura hadn't moved in hours, but it was clear from his expression that something was wrong. Itachi decided o risk it, "Are you alright?" The priest's eyes flickered open, "Something's happened, I can't hear Jashin-Sama anymore." Itachi was not very mystically inclined, but he knew better than to voice doubts, especially since coming back from the dead himself. "How long has it been since you . . . Heard from him . . . ?" "Four days." "That's not very long." "He's been talking to me everyday! He sent me to avenge him, he gave me power!" His eyes widened in shock, then narrowed, "Impossible . . ." "What?" Nomura opened his mouth, but he couldn't speak . . .

"Are you sure you want to move out, Kidoumaru?" Shikato asked as his adoptive son worked to fix a loose decoration, "Yes sir. I enjoy being with you guys, but I can't expect Sakura to live with my parents. I feel kind of . . . Funny moving in to her house, and not . . . I don't know how to put it . . ." "But if you both leave, I'll be all alone with that woma- . . . I mean, your mother . . ." Kidoumaru laughed, "Afraid she'll make you actually work?" "Not all of us are blessed with limitless energy." "True, I am pretty exceptional." Kidoumaru said cockily as he finished up his work, "That and I have ADHD." He smiled, "I really owe you guys, you took me in to your home and took care of me. I can't repay that." He hugged Shikato, "Well, you did save Shika's life, and I can never repay you for that." Shikato smiled, "You're a good kid, even if you are a troublesome, hardworking kid who makes me look bad . . ."

"You scared us all half to death!" Eiji was in a state, even more so than their parents, "If you had been killed . . ." "I'm sorry . . ." Zaku said, resisting the urge to insist that he wasn't a child and could take care of himself perfectly well alone, "But I owed it to the guy . . ." Tomoe laid a hand on his shoulder, "It was a very noble thing to do. I'm proud of you." She kissed him on the cheek, and Kin broke out laughing, "MOM!"

Tayuya tried to smooth the folds in her dress with her hands, "It's supposed to look like that, Tayuya." Sakura said "I'll never understand #! Women, and I am one! Why do we have to wear these frilly, sissy outfits? You can't fight in a #! Dress!" Ino laughed, "It's society's way of punishing us for being superior. Otherwise boys would look like _total_ losers . . ." Tayuya laughed loudly, "Like they could look any more Stupid!" The old woman fixed Tayuya's corsage, "You look lovely. The first time I saw you, I never imagined you'd wear feminine clothes so well . . ." Tayuya shuddered, "And this is the last time! I'm no #! Lady, like I keep tellin' that fat . . ." She sighed, she'd been trying to control her language, but old habits, like Oto-Nin, tend to die long, slow agonizing deaths . . . "Sorry. It's hard not to cuss, ya' know." The old woman laughed, "I know. You should hear Tsunade-Sama when she gets started! My God, a person's ears could burn off!" Yoshino grinned at Tayuya, "You won't be _too_ rough with my little Shika, will you?" "That depends on how much of a _fight_ he puts up . . ."

Shikamaru adjusted his tie, and looked himself over in the mirror, _Not bad . . ._ "You alright?" Kidoumaru asked softly. "I feel like I'm going to throw up, curl in a corner and die." Shikato grinned, "Yep, that's exactly how I felt when I married your mother!" Everyone laughed, "So, Shikamaru, ready for the big night, or scared?" Kiba grinned wolfishly, Shikamaru smirked, "Yeah, I'm ready. I practiced on your mother!" "You son of a #!" Kiba growled, "He certainly is," Shikato said gravely, "I know, I married her." Kidoumaru was shocked, "DAD! How can you say that about mom?!" "Because it's true. I do love her, but she can be mean as a snake, if you'll pardon the expression." Kidoumaru shook his head and Kiba chuckled. "Troublesome parents . . ." Shikamaru mumbled, as Kidoumaru looked over himself in the mirror. His specially-made tux had six sleeves, it was a bit awkward to get into/out of, but it would work. "So, I heard you're going to have that summon of yours at your wedding, what's Sakura think about that?" Kidoumaru turned slightly, "She doesn't mind, she _loves_ spiders," He grinned, "Especially_ this_ spider, not that I can blame her . . ." Chouji rolled his eyes, "I wonder if there's going to be room for guests at the wedding, what with your giant ego . . ." Kidoumaru laughed, "I can't help it if I'm a stunning example of male beauty." He checked his hair in the mirror, "Seriously, though, Kyodaigumo is an important part of my life, she's saved my life several times, I couldn't get married without her there, she's family." He smiled, "But that's another day, today's Shika's big day . . ." He smacked Shikamaru on the back, and the young Nara turned pale and rushed from the room, hand over mouth, Shikato followed him into the hall, "Don't get any puke on that tux, it was expensive!"

To be continued...


	13. Chapter 13

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 13

Tayuya beamed as she and Shikamaru faced each other before Tsunade to be bonded in marriage. Shikamaru managed to smile through his fear, he felt somewhat self-conscious, pledging his love to Tayuya in front of all of Konoha and parts of Suna, Kusa and Ame. It was a troublesome ceremony, _In ancient times a man would take his woman to his cave (Or vice versa) and BAM!, they were husband and wife. Now there were all of these ceremonies and public vows, not to mention teasing friends, no wonder so many men get cold feet, they can't handle the attention._ Before he knew it, Tayuya had taken him into her arms, and they shared a kiss before everyone. Shikamaru blushed bright red as Tayuya began to french kiss him. Shikato broke down weeping as Shikamaru pledged himself to a life of servitude . . .er, _marriage . . ._

Eiichiro held his hand closer to the flames, savoring the feeling of heat on his skin, then pulling back quickly as it became too hot. Getting used to having a sense of touch, of pain, was going to take years in all likelihood. "What a time to finally feel sensation, when I'm imprisoned in hell!" He muttered under his breath. Things were getting weird, now a number of young Oni were following him around, looking up to him as some sort of hero, _Kids always choose the worst role models . . ._ He groaned and slapped his forehead, then stared in surprise at his sore hand while rubbing his stinging forehead.

The reception,

Kidoumaru stood up and grinned, he was about to give a speech, "When I first heard that Shikamaru was getting involved with Tayuya, I was _worried_. I only knew her as a mean, spiteful, heartless, man-hating, evil bit- " He ducked to avoid a kunai aimed at his head, "_ANYWAY_, I thought it was a bad idea. I was wrong." He held up his hands, "I know, I know, but _even_ I make mistakes. I've made maybe four or five in my lifetime . . ." He laughed, "And this was almost as big a mistake as when I thought I could kick Neji's butt!" He saluted Neji, "Only this time, I'm glad I was wrong! Tayuya and Shikamaru really do love each other, in their own sick, twisted way." He ducked to avoid another kunai, "Hey! I'm tryin' to be nice here, Tayuya!" He ran a hand through his dark hair, "So I wish you two the best, even _you_ Tayuya. May all your children be smart and handsome, just like their uncle Kidoumaru!" Everyone laughed and clapped as Kidoumaru bowed and went back to his table. "You're next, Kido!" Somebody yelled from the other side of the room, prompting another round of raucous laughter. Tayuya pulled Shikamaru close against her chest, "Looks like the fun's over here, let's go to the honeymoon suite and I'll break you in . . ." Shikamaru's eyes widened,_ I guess I can't avoid it any longer . . . Maybe it won't be so bad, it can't be, why else would so many people in Konoha be perverts? _"Okay." he smiled, "Let's go. " Tayuya swept him into her arms and ran lik the wind.

Itachi watched as Nomura removed his blood-colored robes, revealing dull brown civilian attire, "Why are you going to Konoha, Uchiha?" he asked with a tired voice. "I'm going to turn myself in." Itachi said emotionlessly, "I'm tired. I have to face up to what I've done." Nomura laughed joylessly, "You're crazier than I thought. Do you think that because you helped the Hokage's brother they'll go easy on you? They'll kill you, probably slowly, and you'll deserve it for being so stupid." Itachi didn't reply. Nomura looked at his bundled robe, sighed and threw it into the fire, finally eliciting a response from Itachi, "What the hell?" Nomura laughed again, sadly, this time, "What would you do if you found out that your god was so weak as to be defeated by a stupid child and imprisoned by one of his own priests? Would you still respect him?" He shook his head, "If you want to kill yourself, I might as well join you, I have nothing left to live for either."

The newlywed suite at the Royal Konoha Hotel.

Tayuya's voice rang out into the night, "#! Yeah! You're as #! Big as Sai said you were!"

To be continued...


	14. Chapter 14

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 14

Tayuya looked over at her new husband and laughed, Shikamaru was gracelessly sprawled naked across the bed, too lazy to bother covering himself, he had simply fallen asleep. She resisted the urge to slap his backside to try to wake him, she just smiled and pulled the covers around him, then pulled him close.

Yoshino stood silently in Shikamaru's old room. It was almost empty now, Kidoumaru had moved all of Shika's things he'd bothered to take, as Shikamaru and Shikato were too lazy to move the boxes themselves. "Strange, isn't it?" Shikato said softly. Yoshino nodded, "I knew this day had to come, but I thought, with him being almost as lazy as you, I thought he'd refuse to leave." She put an arm around her husband, who held her close, "In a few days Kidoumaru is going to be gone too, and we'll be alone." "It's not like they're moving to Takigakure or something," He said softly, "You'll be able to walk over and nag to your heart's content whenever you feel the urge." They both laughed softly. "Kidoumaru's family is supposed to arrive today, at about seven PM. Do you think his parents will come?" Shikato shook his head sadly, "From what I've heard . . ." he sighed, "We're his parents now. We can't replace his birth parents, and it will hurt him, being rejected, but we have to do what we can for him."

Shinigami stared in fury at the being in front of him. Asshur held a sword in his right hand, and intended to put it to use, it would have been funny had it not been so outright arrogant, "So, God of Death, do you fear to fight me?" Asshur stroked his long, plaited beard. The caverns of hell filled with a low, hideous sound, the laughter of the Shinigami, "I have not fought another god in many, many years, but I have _always_ won." Shinigami pulled a long, terrible sword from the air, Asshur rushed forward, swinging his blade with expert precision at his opponent, "Your rule is at an end! I am a_ warrior_ god, you prey upon the dead like a ghoul! I founded an empire from nothing!" Shinigami blocked the blow, straining against Asshur's physical might. "Perhaps you were a warrior, once, but now you are no more than a demon with delusions of grandeur." Shinigami let loose a terrible kick, striking Asshur in the right side, sending him flying across the cavern and crashing into a wall, "As I recall, the Assyrians had no knowledge of the Eastern Martial Arts . . ." He smiled coldly, "And they were destroyed by the Babylonians so thoroughly that archeologists denied they even existed for centuries." Asshur lept back to his feet, wiping a small stream of blood from his lower lip, "I wonder where you will go when I've killed you. Is there a lower hell than this?" Shinigami did not reply, instead launching his own attack, crossing swords with the fallen god. Asshur lept back, out of striking distance, if brute force wouldn't work . . . He began to chant, calling upon the dark forces for aid. "I grow weary of this, Asshur, if you intend to sully this battle with magic, then you leave me no choice." He held up his lantern, his eternal trap, and captured the demon within. "Pathetic." He sighed, then turned to see the crowd that had gathered to watch the battle, noting that the one called Eiichiro was furiously writing a record of what had transpired in a large book. _De Infernalis Historium. The History of Hell_. He laughed and returned to his place, bearing his newest toy with him.

As Shikamaru walked through the door to the Super Burger, all the guys, except Jirobou, stood and cheered. Shikamaru blushed bright red and shook his head, "Lay off, you troublesome perverts." "That's right," Jirobou said, "Gentlemen don't discuss these things." "Who ever said we were gentlemen, " Ukon laughed, "We want_ all_ the details!" A shadow wrapped itself around the twin's mouth, and everyone else went back to their lunches, seeing that Shikamaru wasn't talking. Kidoumaru laughed and waved him over to the table he was sharing with Zaku, Dosu and an obscenely grinning Naruto. "Don't give me that look, Naruto!" Everyone went silent as Tayuya walked into the restaurant, "Move your #!, Whiskers!" She pushed Naruto out of the way and slid her own chair next to Shikamaru's, "What are you looking at, you #! Windbag?" "Nothing!" Zaku squeaked, then looked away. "See," She put an arm around Shikamaru, "You have to be #!_ Assertive _to get what you want!" Shikamaru smiled, "'Good things come to those who wait' always worked for me." "Yeah, but they come faster if you're assertive!" "What if I'd decided two years ago to marry Temari?" Tayuya's eyes widened, "Okay, so _sometimes_ waiting is good . . ." She stroked his hair, "I'll go order us some lunch."

The guards at the gate stood slack-jawed as the two new arrivals came into view, they did not recognize the pale, sad-looking man to the right, but the pale, sad-looking man to the left was none other than . . . "Uchiha Itachi!" The guard took a battle stance while waving for his partner to fetch help. Itachi walked over and stood directly in front of the guard, "I've come to surrender. I'm ready for whatever punishment is judged fit for my crimes."

Kidoumaru and the others stood on the platform as the train pulled into the station, carrying members of the Naraku clan, "You've never met my family, have ya' Babe?" Kidoumaru slung an arm around Sakura's shoulders, "I've met Eiji and his parents . . ." Kidoumaru grinned as the first dark face emerged from the train, "Hey, Eickichi!" Eickichi gave an odd smile and stepped aside as another figure emerged. Kidoumaru gasped loudly, and Sakura turned to see his dark features pale, his eyes locked on the figure walking toward him. "_M-mom?_" He ran forward and threw his arms around her, "I . . ." He started to sob, his whole body shaking from the force of emotion. Keiko put her arms around him, visibly shaken. She hadn't expected such a reaction, to be honest, she'd tried to avoid just this, but the bond was too strong, seeing her son again, brought back all of the good memories and washed away the anger and resentment. Sakura stood dumbly nearby, watching as Kidoumaru wept. She reached up and wiped the tears that were flowing from her own eyes, _Maybe things will be alright . . . _

To be continued...


	15. Chapter 15

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 15

"I'm sorry . . .I'm . . . _So_ sorry . . ." Kidoumaru managed as he wept. Keiko held him close, "I'm sorry, maybe if we'd cared more . . ." Yoshino stared in barely controlled anger as her adoptive son and his birth mother held each other, _After everything she and his father did to Kidoumaru, she has the gall to come back and expect . . _. She turned, there was no sign of Jin among the assembled members of the Naraku clan who were standing about the train station. He didn't come. _He still can't forgive his own son . . ._ Yoshino sighed sadly, _Whatever I think of this woman, at least she's trying to fix this mess._ She looked over at Shikato, and could tell by his expression he was thinking the same thing.

"I'm gonna' tell that #! What I think of her!" Tayuya growled, "NO!" Shikamaru whispered urgently, "We have to be polite, she's trying to make things right. If we go over there and confront her, we could ruin everything for Kidoumaru!" Tayuya held her tongue, Kidoumaru deserved to be loved by his parents, and clearly wanted them to love him, _I can't ruin this moment for him_. "I knew you cared about other people." Tayuya glared at Shikamaru, "Who said I #! Care? If that stupid #! Wants his mommy. . . " She sniffed, "I guess I don't hate that #!, okay!" Shikamaru smiled.

Kidoumaru turned slightly, wiping his eyes, "T-this is my fiancee, Sakura . . ." Sakura nodded silently, "She's very pretty . . ." Keiko tried to collect herself, "You must think I'm a monster." Sakura took a deep breath, "I did." "GUYS!" Naruto came panting up, "Itachi just turned himself in! He walked right up to the gate and surrendered, dattebayo!" Everyone turned toward the whiskered ninja. "Itachi? Uchiha Itachi?" Someone asked in disbelief.

"It's been a long time, Itachi." Tsunade sat down across from the renegade Uchiha, "I'm grateful for your help, Nawaki would probably be dead . . . Again . . . If not for you." "How is he?" Tsunade rolled her eyes, "He's turned into a perverted troublemaker . . . And he see's you as a hero. In fact, I had to tie him to a chair to keep him from interrupting us." Itachi was about to remark that tying the kid up was a little extreme, but considering his actions toward his own little brother, that seemed hypocritical. "I heard that you've punished everyone else involved in the massacre." He stated flatly, "Then you know the circumstances of my betrayal?" "Yes." "I'm not asking for sympathy or favoritism, I murdered my family. . . " He made a pained sound in his throat, "Orders or not, I have to be punished." "Yes, I know. There were extenuating circumstances, but you . . ." She sighed and took a swig of sake, she felt certain she'd need it, "Want some?" She held the bottle out to Itachi, who politely waved it away, "As I was saying, we can't just ignore what happened." She rubbed her forehead, "Who is that man who came here with you?" "His name is Nomura. He was a priest of Jashin until h-" The sound of running footsteps rang through the hall outside the cell, and the door burst open, while, carried by the momentum, Uchiha Sasuke fell to the stone floor, then picked himself up, staring at his older brother. "How the hell did you get in here?!" Tsunade shouted, even as the door swung open again and Nawaki pushed inside, "Itachi-Sama!"

Both Sasuke and Nawaki had grown since Itachi had last seen them., Sasuke was a taller, slightly less feminine-looking young man than he had been before, and had finally grown out of that hideous 'Oto-uniform' phase. Nawaki had sprouted up like a weed, and his face was a bit less chubby than before, and he was showing some fair muscle tone. "So it is true, you have come, brother." Itachi nodded, "I must accept responsibility for my actions." "It was the council's decision, the Hokage. It wasn't you, I see that now." "They may have given the order, but I took up the blade." Sasuke stood in front of his brother, "Why did you lie about it? Why did you let me think that you went crazy and killed everyone?" "Because if you'd known the truth, you would have spent your life seeking to destroy this village and everyone in it. I do not hate Konoha, little brother, it was better that you hate me than hate everyone else." Sasuke's eyes narrowed, "Why did you tell me before I killed you that you just wanted my eyes? Why did you die letting me think you were a monster?" Itachi sighed, and his expression became even sadder than usual, "What would you have done if you had known the truth then? You would have gotten yourself killed trying to avenge yourself on this village." He smiled thinly, "From what I've heard, you nearly did when Obito-San told you what had really happened, and why." "I see your point."

The silence in the Nara house was deafening, everyone was picking at their food self-consciously. Keiko looked up at Yoshino and Shikato, "Thank you. For . . . For taking care of Kidoumaru." "_Someone_ had to." Yoshino said in a not-so-subtle tone of contempt. "We couldn't . . . Let ourselves forgive. It was a matter of family honor, as well as the idea that by accepting him back, we'd be showing that we approved of what he'd done." "So what changed your mind?" She put an arm around Kidoumaru's shoulders, "He's my son. I thought, God forgive me, I thought I could . . . But I still love him, no matter what." Yoshino looked over at Kidoumaru, who was clearly upset by the bickering, "I'm sorry. You know how I am, a loud-mouthed old nag." "You're not _that_ old." Kidoumaru said softly, then burst out laughing. He was soon joined by everyone else at the table.

"So, Nomura-San," Anko asked, "What brings you to Konohagakure?" "I came here to kill Abumi Zaku and Naraku Eiji." He said flatly. Anko was stunned, "What?!" Nomura shrugged, "I came here to kill Abumi Zaku and Naraku Eiji." He sighed, "But I no longer have any reason to do so, Jashin-Sama," He shook his head, "He doesn't deserve to be avenged." "Why not?" "Because he lied, he's no god. A god wouldn't be beaten by a child, or imprisoned forever by a traitorous priest." There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice. Anko shook her head, this man was not wanted in Konoha, and they had no legal authority to detain him, yet he was clearly dangerous and probably psychotic. "I can't hold you, but there will be an army of ANBU on your tail. If you go anywhere near Zaku or Eiji, or try to cause any trouble, you will find yourself in irons."

"So, I suppose you expect me to bear your children?" Tayuya said, pulling Shikamaru over to her side of the bed, "I have to continue the clan . . . I mean, not right away, of course, but . . ." She put a finger to his lips, "Shut up. I figure a couple of brats wouldn't be too much . . . But don't expect me to #! do everything." Shikamaru smiled, then forced his face back into his bored expression, "I suppose I could help out, after all kids can't be more troublesome than you, right?" "Don't bet on it, Lazy-#!" She laughed, "I've seen plenty a' the little hell spawn that other poor #! Have, and with our combination of lazy and . . . _Colorful_ genes, our kids will beat all their little #!"

Later that night, Sakura found Kidoumaru on the roof of the Nara home, looking up at the stars, "You must think I'm an idiot." He said quietly, as she sat next to him, "But she's my mom, and I still love her. I only wish dad could forgive me . . ." Sakura sighed, "I don't think you're an idiot. You love your parents, despite how they treated you, and you want to be close with them. That's only natural." She rested her head on his shoulder, "I'm happy for you." "Mmmmmm, I'm a pretty lucky guy. Of course," He smiled, "Most of it was_ bad_ luck before I came here. I guess you're my good luck charm . . . My _sexy_ good luck charm . . ."

To be continued...


	16. Chapter 16

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 16

"What do you mean he's free?" "Nomura is in Konohagakure." Zaku cursed loudly, despite the reverential atmosphere, Eiji didn't correct him, it was understandable under the situation. The Naraku clan were standing in the forest near Otogakure, over the grave of Genyuumaru. They'd come to pay their respects to the boy whose body Orochimaru had taken for his own. Kidoumaru, of course, could not come, with his impending wedding and the reunion with his mother. Eiji shook his head, "He's getting ready to leave town. Apparently he's not interested in us anymore, he's . . . backslid From Jashinism." "Backslid?" "Left the religion. He thinks Jashin doesn't deserve his respect anymore." "Do you think the Hokage knows that he killed some guys in Kusagakure?" Akira turned toward the boy, "Not if she's letting him run free around Konoha . . . We better get back and warn her." Zaku knelt down, "I'll be there in a minute, you go ahead." As the others walked off, Zaku pulled a small root from his jacket and planted it in the soft earth. "You're going to all this trouble for a guy you didn't even know?" Zaku jumped and spun around to see a pale, handsome young man with pale blue-grey hair leaning casually against the tree at the head of the grave. "Yeah. What's it to you? Who are you?" The boy laughed and jerked his thumb toward the name Zaku had carved into the tree, _Genyuumaru_. "You don't even know what I look like . . . Without _him_, anyway." Zaku's jaw dropped, "Y-y-you're . . ." "That's right. I never expected you of all people to worry about me. I misjudged you." He walked over to the stunned Zaku, "Thanks, I guess I owe you one." "Hey, Zaku, hurry up!" Kin walked into the clearing, "What are you doing?" Zaku looked around, but Genyuumaru was gone, "I . . . You . . . Did . . ." He shook his head, _Maybe I'll tell 'em later._ He smirked, "What's the matter? Need me to keep you warm?" "As if!" Kin laughed, "Let's go." He put an arm around her waist, "Alright, alright. Jeeze, you guys would be lost without me."

Kidoumaru stood silently in the sakura grove, his mind in turmoil. _They gave me up, said they wished I'd stayed dead . . . And now mom comes back. I love her, but, should I forget? Can I forget?_ He swallowed hard, _Memory doesn't matter, the question is, can I forgive? They hurt me like nothing I've ever suffered. Even torture was nothing compared to being rejected._ He shuddered beneath his thick poncho, _If the people I've hurt can forgive me, what right do I have to be angry?_ He sighed, _How can I even think of not forgiving anyone?_ He smiled, _I have a chance to get part of my family back, I'm not going to let anything ruin that._ "The people here really like you." Kidoumaru turned to see Keiko standing behind him. "Yeah. Surprises me, too." "I can't believe I couldn't see it. No, I just refused to see it. You're a good kid, and your father and I were the only ones who refused to see the man you've become." Kidoumaru smiled sadly, "I left you to become a monster, it's hard to forgive something like that . . ." Keiko shuddered, "That . . . Demon, I've heard rumors . . . About his . . . _Tastes_. Did he . . ." "No. He only like the pale ones . . ." "Thank God! The thought of that_ thing_ putting his hands on you . . ." Kidoumaru leaned back against a sakura tree, "So, what do you think? Nice place for a wedding?" "Perfect." Keiko smiled, "You've found a wonderful girl, she really cares about you. Sakura will make a good wife and mother." Kidoumaru grinned, "Don't worry, we intend to work as long and hard as it takes to give you grandchildren . . ." Keiko giggled, "You're shameless, aren't you?" "Sometimes." "The Nara are good people, taking you in like that. Shikamaru told me about how you saved him." "Did he tell you how he risked his life to come back and save my stupid tail?" "He told me how he came back to help you." Kidoumaru laughed, "_Help_ implies that I was at least fighting, no he _saved_ me. I was on the ground, broken legs, broken arms, getting the snot beaten out of me by a psychotic priest. Nara Shikamaru is the reason I'm not a pile of bones on the forest floor, being gnawed on by whatever animal happens by." He's a good boy, bless him. Even if he did marry a girl with a mouth like a septic tank." "Aww, Tayuya's not that bad. Just don't tell her I said that."

Sakon planted a fist in the puppet's mid-section, knocking it backwards and leaving a dent in the wood. The second puppet lept between them, it's hideous face leering. "Man, that does look like Tayuya!" Ukon quipped as Youkai raked her claws dangerously close to the Twins. Maki's eyes nearly popped out of his head as Sakon and Ukon split down the middle and caught the puppet from both sides, before rushing the startled puppeteer and knocking him to the ground. Ukon brushed off his hands and turned to Kankurou, "You want a piece of this?" Kankurou's eyes narrowed, "Do you? I don't want to take advantage of you, being traumatized and all, jan." Maki stood shakily, "I didn't know you do that!" Ukon laughed, "Don't be an idiot, kid. Your enemies ain't gonna lay out their battle plans and Kekkai Genkai for you to study before they try to kill your #!" Kankurou nodded, "He's right, a ninja has to prepare for anything, jan." Kankurou caught Sakon's fists inches from his face, "Like a cowardly sneak attack." Sakon pulled back a bit, "Like the one you pulled on us back when we were fighting Dog-Boy." Kankurou rolled his eyes, "That wasn't cowardly, cowardly is hunting down a scared twe-" "Blah, blah, blah . . ." Ukon said, "Hey, if we hadn't chased him, you probably wouldn't be baggin' his sister . . ." Kankurou nodded thoughtfully, "Maybe. Or maybe I'm just _irresistible_ to women, jan." "To women's make-up, maybe." Sakon laughed, "I'm surprised there was enough left at the cosmetics counter for Stalker-Boy here." He pointed his thumb toward Maki, "But, if I had a face like yours, I'd try to hide it too!" "It's traditional Kabuki face paint! Besides, this is from the boy who wears blue lipstick, jan." Sakon and Ukon merged into their usual dual form, "You gonna' spar or not?" Maki put his puppets back wherever the hell summoned items go as Kankurou and the Twins faced off. "No." "What?! Are you some kind of coward?" Kankurou shook his head, "I killed you with these same puppets, do you really think you can fight them without getting even more mentally screwed-up than you are now, jan?" "He's right." Sakon whispered, "Can you imagine how it would feel to be in that puppet of his, even if was just sparring? We can't even handle being in a closet with the door open." Ukon sighed, "Whatever . . . If you're too scared to fight us, Kitty, we'll just let you off easy. This time."

"He was just following orders." Sasuke insisted. Tsunade shook her head sadly, "That's an extenuating circumstance, but not an excuse." Sasuke thought for a moment, "Temporary insanity?" Itachi rolled his eyes back in his head, "If he hadn't been in control of his mental faculties, he wouldn't have spared you." Tsunade turned to Itachi, "This is quite a mess Sandaime got you into." She pulled out another bottle of sake, her fourth of the morning. "Stockholm Syndrome!" Obito blurted out, leaping to his feet. "What, he wasn't kidnapped!" "Stockholm Syndrome is where a victim begins to feel sympathy with their captor, it's brainwashing. Ninja are trained to obey without question, ninja _are_ brainwashed! _So Itachi was brainwashed!_" Tsunade sunk into her chair, "If I say Itachi was brainwashed, I condemn ninja training techniques as mind control. That would make it unethical, and laws would have to be changed . . ." "And sending twelve-year-olds into battle to fight and die_ is_ ethical? Since when has ethics mattered in any of the nations?" Obito pointed out, and Tsunade felt an ulcer forming, "You may act like a child sometimes, but I do believe you have more brains than anyone in all of the Ninja Nations." She finished off her bottle, "I think everyone realizes how awful our system is, but outside of you and Kidoumaru, I've never met anyone with the balls to say it, not even me." "Of course you don't have balls, you're a woman!" Everyone looked at Obito, "No, he _didn't _just say that . . ." Tsunade chuckled loudly, "A figure of speech, Obito." She sighed, "Brainwashing. I'll look into it."

To be continued...


	17. Chapter 17

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 17

Sakura turned slowly, admiring her wedding kimono, it was pale blue and covered in sakura blossoms. "So, let me get this #! Straight, Spidey is marrying Sakura on the first day of the #! Sakura Festival in a sakura grove, and you're wearing a kimono with #! Sakura patterns? Symbolism is one thing, but that #! Is _obsessed_!" Sakura sighed, "It's romantic." "It's #! Crazy." Tayuya shook her head. Ino giggled again, if one thing could be said for Tayuya, it was that she always speaks her mind. "So, Sakura," Ino looked over her shoulder into the mirror, "Did you realize that once you marry Kidoumaru, you'll have _two_ mother-in-laws?" Sakura stopped admiring her dress and gasped in shock, "Oh, no . . ."

"Yeah, it's your turn now," Shikamaru said from his bed of discarded decorations as Kidoumaru slid his six arms into his tuxedo jacket, "Now you'll see the _real_ Sakura, not the sweet, sappy Sakura, but the violent, troublesome woman who beats guys up at the drop of a hat." Sai put an arm on Kidoumaru's shoulder, "I'm sure he's seen ample evidence of the Hag's violent tendencies." Kidoumaru snorted loudly, "She always beats you up because you call her a hag and ugly. Women don't like that." Sai smiled, "I know." Kidoumaru shook his head, "Is every guy in this town a masochist?" No one answered. Zaku pushed over toward the mirror and began brushing his hair,_ again_. "You do know that you're _not_ the one getting married, right?" Dosu asked. "You should thank God for that," Shikato grunted, "Women are like snow. Snow's soft and pretty for a little while, but you don't want to live in it . . . Same with women, once you're married, you're stuck with the cold and none of the pretty." Obito gave Kidoumaru a firm pat on the back, "Ignore them, love is a great thing." "Spoken like a true bachelor." Shikato quipped loudly, then moaned dramatically, "Both of my sons making the same mistake I did, where did I go wrong?" Zaku laughed, "What, would you rather he marry Sai here?" Jirobou sighed and slapped his forehead, "Let's just let him get ready in peace. He's probably already scared to death." Sakon and Ukon began making whooping noises as the group left to join the wedding party, "Hey, don't forget to fill us in on all the details!" Kidoumaru threw a hairbrush at the retreating twins.

"Leaving so soon?" Itachi asked casually as Nomura walked past him. "Yes, I think I'll meditate for a while, see what path opens for me." He looked over at Itachi, "What about you?" "I'll be staying here, in Konoha, at least for the time being. After a while I'll go back to Nami, help Kisame out." "They're not going to execute you then?" "It doesn't look like it."

Gaara sat straight in his chair, looking around at the blooming pink sakuras, "It's nice, isn't it. It's too bad we can't grow these in Sunagakure." Kankurou picked up his baby Gaara and handed him to his namesake, then picked up Hige, "The desert has it's own beauty, it's a little harder around the edges, but no less beautiful." Gaara held baby Gaara close to his face, examining the bright-eyed infant, "Was I ever this cute?" "Of course, you were adorable!" Temari leaned over and pinched his cheek, "A lot cuter than Tubby over there." "I was never fat!" Kankurou objected, "I was a . . . Big -boned kid, jan." "Yeah, you had big bones, your belly bone, your butt bone . . ." Kankurou turned red as Gaara laughed softly. "My Kitty was never fat," Hana said, "He's all muscle." "Yeah, in his head!" Hana and Temari glared at each other for a moment, "Uh, guys, the baby smells funny . . ." Gaara held out the baby, "I think he made a deposit . . ."

Naruto blew his nose loudly, "I can't believe it, dattebayo!" "That doesn't make sense, jan." Maki looked over at the teary-eyed blonde, "I dreamed of marrying Sakura for years, dattebayo!" Suigetsu leaned over the Kitsune's shoulder, "Don't let Hinata hear you say that, Whiskers. The quieter a girl is, the sharper the knife she plunges into your back . . ." "You're such a sexist, Water-Boy." Kiba laughed, "I'm proud of you!"

Iruka, Kakashi and Mizuki stood near the back row, catching up on old times. "So Sakon, Ukon and Suigetsu broke into the Hokage's office and stole her sake to get Sai drunk!" "Oh man! They must be crazy!" Mizuki said, laughing, "What did they do, pry the bottle from her hand with a crowbar?!" "Bottles," Iruka corrected, "Twelve if I recall . . . Stole it right from her desk." Mizuki shook his head, "So, did it work?" "The four of them were hung-over for days. Poor Sai vowed never to drink again." Mizuki laughed, "I guess we can all thank God that the thief wasn't Lee . . ." Kakashi stretched lazily and held his book closer to his eyes, "We have an Anti-Drunk-Lee Device now, Kidoumaru just webs him to the ground until he sobers up." "Smart kid." Mizuki looked at Kakashi, noting his apparent near-sightedness, "I guess the old saying is true, _it_ does make you blind." Kakashi flinched, "Ha ha."

Everyone turned as Kidoumaru arrived, the girls (And several guys) gazing in admiration at the handsome young ninja dressed in his tailored tux. Somebody whistled, and Kidoumaru scratched the back of his head nervously. "You look wonderful!" Yoshino walked over and smiled, even as Keiko walked over to smooth her son's hair, "Sakura is a very lucky woman." Kidoumaru blushed, "T-thanks mom. . . And . . . Mom . . ."

To be continued...


	18. Chapter 18

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 18

"Does everything look alright?" "For the one-thousandth time," Ino said wearily, "You look fine!" "Oh for God's sake!" Tayuya pushed Sakura toward the door, "You want to stand here #! Around, or do you want to get #! Married?" "Okay, okay! Just stop shoving!" Sakura straightened her hair, and stood straight, "I guess . . . No, I _am_ ready."

Keiko walked quickly over to her son and his friend, "Kidoumaru, I'm not sure it's such a good idea to be seen talking to a pretty girl right before your wedding." Said 'pretty girl' turned to look a Keiko with pale eyes, "I'm not a girl, Keiko-San. My name is Hyuuga Neji." Kidoumaru broke out laughing, "You really should get a hair cut!" The Hyuuga prodigy was unamused, he was used to being mistaken for a woman, but for God's sake, he was wearing a tuxedo! "I can't help it if I have flawless features and natural Hyuuga good looks. It was _destiny_, after all." Keiko bowed slightly, "My apologies, young man." He gave a forced smile, "It's no trouble, happens all the time." As Keiko walked away, she suddenly remembered where she'd heard the name_ Neji_ before. _That's the boy that . . . Killed Kidoumaru. And now they're friends? Is he truly that . . . Forgiving? _She thought of her recent actions, how she and her husband had rejected their own son, unwilling to forgive him for shaming them, and felt a pain deep in her soul. "Don't worry," She turned to see Zaku grinning widely, "The first time I saw Neji, I asked who the hottie was . . ." Keiko laughed despite herself. "You were right, Zaku." Zaku looked at her in confusion, "That Neji was a hot girl?" Keiko laughed, "No, of course not. I was talking about when you and Eiji came to our home to defend Kidoumaru. We were being far worse than he'd ever been." Zaku nodded, then smiled and laced his hands behind his head, "I'm always happy to help people, it's part of my charitable nature." "Yeah, he's always willing to share what little mind he has." Dosu laughed and patted Zaku on the back. Zaku smiled and elbowed his friend in the ribs, "Yeah, keep talkin' Fluffy, and I'll share my fist with your mouth." Keiko smiled, _They're not at all like I expected, I always just assumed that anyone working for Orochimaru would be a monster like he was, but they're just kids . . . If only Jin would just . . . Look, maybe he'd understand too_.

"Kankurou." Kankurou turned to his brother, "Yeah?" Gaara pointed over to the weeping Naruto, "Why do people cry at weddings?" "Uh . . ." Kankurou scratched his head, "Well, different reasons. Some people cry because they're happy for the bride and groom, some cry because they realize that things will never be the same, and some people," He flicked his thumb at Naruto, "Cry because they wanted the bride for themselves, jan." Gaara cocked his head, confused, "But, he's dating Hinata, isn't he?" "Yeah, but Sakura was his first love, sometimes it's hard to let go of the past, jan." Gaara nodded thoughtfully, "Like Temari and Shikamaru." "Yeah, like Temari and Shikamaru."

"It's pitiful." Sai turned to Ukon in confusion, "What's pitiful?" "Look at him," He pointed at Kidoumaru, who was nervously checking his tie, "He used to be a great ninja, a stone-cold killer. I've seen him kill Jonin and laugh while doing it. Now he's a sweet, simpering sissy, all because of a woman. He's not the only one either!" Ukon pointed at Kankurou, " A Suna-Nin, a Jonin, a mean, tough-as-nails killer from the toughest land on Earth. Now look at him, blushing like a schoolgirl and changing diapers! I'm ashamed I was beaten by that . . . That . . . _House-husband!_ And guess why!" "A Woman?" "#1 right! And look at him!" He pointed toward Shikamaru, "He was . . . Okay, he was_ always_ a subservient little bitch, if anything, Tayuya's toughened his #! Up! So ignore him." Sai smiled, "Does Tayuya-San count as a woman?" "No comment." Sakon whispered, "She's scarier than Bones here." Sai smiled and nodded at Kaguya Kimimaro, who was looking good in a spotless black tux that contrasted nicely with his bone-pale skin and hair, who nodded politely, "No argument here."

As Yoshino spied the bridal party approaching, finally, she turned to the milling crowd, "Okay, all you groomsmen, we're about to get this show going! Everybody not in the wedding, sit down and shut up!" Kidoumaru and Sakura walked toward each other, "Well, it's the last lap, Babe," Kidoumaru said, "And after that it's a whole new game." Sakura nodded, "I'm ready. Let's go play ball." Kidoumaru grinned and took Sakura's hand, "Let the game begin."

To be continued...


	19. Chapter 19

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 19

"Mmmmm, You look beautiful Babe." Sakura rested her head against his chest as they danced, "You look beautiful too." Kidoumaru laughed, "Girls are beautiful, men are handsome." Sakura grinned, "You've never heard of male beauty? Of course you have, Mr. _I'm a Perfect Example of Male Beauty_." "What a memory! That's good, I guess I'll have to watch what I say.""That's right." Sakura pulled him close and kissed him. "YOSH! Someone's feeling Youthful!" From across the room, Lee gave Kidoumaru a blinding grin and a thumbs up.

Keiko edged over to stand beside Yoshino, "I know that you hate me, and I don't blame you. What we . . . I did, what I said . . ." "Is the past." Yoshino swallowed hard, _Steady, if Kidoumaru can forgive her . . ._ "I won't lie, what you and your husband did disgusted me as much as anything Orochimaru did. But you're trying to make things right, and no one can ask for better than that. Kidoumaru still loves you, and he's forgiven you. I have no right to be angry with you." _Our rejecting Kidoumaru is equal to Orochimaru raping young boys and murdering children? Is this how far we've fallen trying to maintain our family honor?_ "I don't know if Jin will ever accept him back. He may not accept _me_ back, after this." For the first time, Yoshino felt a bit of sympathy for the woman, "You can't let your husband force you to hate your own child. You have your own mind, and no one can tell you not to love Kidoumaru. I'm not telling you to . . . Hate your husband, then I'd be a hypocrite. But don't let him force you to do something you know is wrong." Keiko nodded, then looked toward Kidoumaru and Sakura, "They're a beautiful couple, aren't they? So happy . . ." Yoshino smiled, "That's due in part to you being here. I can't imagine how happy it made him to see you again." "I'm . . . Thank God I came. Kidoumaru left us when he was eight years old. We hadn't seen him in all that time, not once. It was easy to treat him like a monster, we didn't have to look at him, to realize that he was still a human being, still our child. Once I saw his face, saw him standing there at the train station, it was like the first time I saw him. He's my son, and nothing else matters."

"Why'd he do it?" Ukon shook his head, "He's just crazy . . ." Shikato leaned back against the wall of the hall where they were holding the reception, "Love does that to people. I've seen great ninja brought to their knees by women. I know, it happened to me." "SHIKATO!" Shikato cringed, "I gotta' go." He walked toward Yoshino, "Yes, dear?" "Hmph, wimp." He turned to his brother, "Sakon, if I ever get that whipped, just put me out of my misery."

Kimimaro sat cleaning his nails with a sharp bone as the gathered Oto-Nin discussed the wedding. "Hey, Kimimaro," Kin smiled, "You're a pretty good-looking guy, do you have a girlfriend?" "No." "Why are you asking him?!" Zaku asked jealously, "We're dating!" Kin grinned impishly, "Curiosity." "I've had . . . _Propositions_. But I'm just not . . . _Comfortable_ around other people. I'm used to being alone, and after . . ." He took a deep breath, "You know . . ." Ukon nodded, he and Sakon had suffered Orochimaru's '_affections_' as well, "We know. I wish I could get my hands on him, just for five minutes . . ." "I wonder who'll be next?" Jirobou asked, changing the subject, "First Tayuya, now Kidoumaru . . ." "I know who," Kin said, and leaned toward Zaku. Zaku's eyes widened, then he screamed and ran out of the room. Dosu laughed, "Better go catch him before he reaches Kirigakure."

"What is it like," Gaara asked Sai, "Being devoid of emotion? I only felt hatred, rage and sadness, but you have been robbed of all emotion." "A year ago, I would have been unable to answer that question," Sai replied, "But now that I have felt a few flickers of emotion, I have something to weigh it against. It is an emptiness, simply existing without will, my only purpose that which was given me by others . . . Living but dead." Gaara nodded, "When I first began to feel again, I could not understand even the simplest emotions. Why would one feeling make me feel . . . Nice, and another make me feel terrible? What is the proper way to respond to these feelings? I'm very lucky, I have Temari and Kankurou to guide me. And Naruto-San. He's the one who first showed me how to feel, how to care about people." Sai smiled, "They are all very emotional people, even if Kankurou-San tries to act like he's not." Gaara nodded, "And Hana-San, she's a very emotional person, the Inuzuka are a '_wild bunch_' as Kankurou might say. Even the twins have taught me a lot." "I have many 'wild' people doing their best to help me, even if they are ridiculously dangerous in their methods. For instance, Naruto is an endless source of humor, and Ukon gave me my first experience with terror." "Terror? You'll have to tell me about that later . . . After I have some more cake . . ."

Naruto collapsed face-first into his uneaten bowl of ramen, weeping, "I can't believe it! I bet they're doing '_it_' right now, dattebayo!" His head shot up as Hinata dumped a bowl of steaming hot ramen in his lap, and he howled in agony. "You pig! We're dating, and you're still crying over Sakura!" Naruto wiped his eyes, "I-I'm sorry . . . It's wrong, I know, but's so hard, dattebayo. She was my first crush . . ." "I know," Hinata patted him on the back consolingly, "B-b-b-but I love you, even if you are an insensitive j-j-jerk."

Kidoumaru and Sakura stood looking at the bed shyly, "I guess this is it," Kidoumaru smiled nervously, "The Big _S_." Sakura blushed, "Yeah." "Well . . ." Kidoumaru began to unbutton his shirt, blushing as well, "Ready for the best night of your life?" Sakura smiled, "Are you?" Kidoumaru pulled off his shirt, "Why not end the best day of my life with the best night of my life?" Sakura began fumbling with her dress, "So, you bring the book?" Kidoumaru laughed softly, "You mean the _Kama Sutra_?" Sakura laughed, "No, _The Icha Icha Guide To Honeymoon Bliss_." "No, we can wing it. Can't be too hard to figure out, can it?"

To be continued...


	20. Chapter 20

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 20

Kidoumaru scratched the back of his head self-consciously, "I'm_ really_ sorry . . ." The hotel manager smiled, 'Don't worry, you're not the first young couple to break one of our beds. Cracking the _floor_, however, is a new one." Both Kidoumaru and Sakura blushed, "I guess I shouldn't have activated my Cursed Seal . . ." Sakura giggled, "Don't tell him about that!" She slid an arm around his waist, and whispered, "But let's do it_ again_ tonight . . ."

Sasuke took off his Akatsuki ring, the one Itachi had given him, and stared at it, moving it around to catch the light, "It's amazing," He said softly, "That he never told anyone what really happened. He allowed himself to take the fall for what happened, allowed everyone to hate him, allowed _me_ to hate him." Obito shook his head, "A ninja is trained to put the good of their village above anything, you know that. Family, friends, love . . . Even revenge. If your Kage tells you to kill your family, or go on a mission with a hated ninja from a former enemy nation, one who's done you personal harm, a ninja is trained to obey." he thought for a moment, "Obito is right, ninja are brainwashed." Sasuke nodded, "I know. All that time I was seeking revenge on Itachi, everyone was trying to convince me to put it behind me and 'do my job'. They don't expect us to be human beings . . ." Obito leaned forward and smiled, "Sasuke should be asking Itachi about these things. He knows what he thinks better than Obito does."

Hell-

Eiichiro sat back and relaxed, now that hell was in some semblance of order, he had the time. With Jashin's fall, his religion had crumbled, with most Oni turning their religious fervor toward Shinigami, who was now once again in full control of the various afterlives. "So," Hidan sat down next to him, "Why don't you #! Throw #! Snake-#! Into that Black Slime?" Eiichiro grinned, "Because I enjoy being able to deal with him _personally_."

Yoshino stood in the kitchen of her home, silently preparing breakfast for herself and her husband. With both boys gone, things seemed awfully empty. For over twenty years Nara Shikamaru had lay in various locations around the house, sleeping, reading, playing shogi. She'd actually tripped over him several times. Rude, disrespectful, lazy (_Very_ lazy!), but still possessing an undeniable charm and brightening up his parents' lives. He was also useful as a door-stop. Then Kidoumaru came. He'd only come about a year or so before, but in that short time he'd made himself a true part of the family. Bright, respectful, energetic, funny, and, unlike every other man in the house, willing to do _work_ and help her around the house. He'd fixed all those things Shikato had been promising to fix for years, willingly and happily He didn't view cooking as 'woman's work' and he was good at it, too. Shikato and Shikamaru always complained that he made them look bad, and he did, but that didn't diminish any of her love for any of them. And now they both had their own wives, their own lives. She smiled, _And hopefully they'll soon have grandchildren for me to spoil rotten._

Zaku stood silently over the grave, not noticing presence of a certain large-breasted Hokage. "He was a good man, my grandfather, Hashirama Senju, the Shodaime." Zaku spun around, "Tsunade-Sama?!" "You're the last person I expected to see here, but I suppose it makes sense. He would have been disgusted, you know, by what happened to you, and why." He nodded, "That's what Eiji said. They must have been so mad at Orochimaru, for murdering us to bring them back, for forcing them to serve him like that, but he . . . Controlled them, didn't he? Shodaime and Nidaime, I mean." "Yes, that was part of the Jutsu, gaining control over their souls . . ." Tsunade looked over her shoulder at the Hokage monument, "#! That Snake-#! Pedo-#! Filth. Using people like that, everyone was just a tool to him, that son of a-" She paused, thinking of Zaku, who was himself a former 'tool', a discarded one at that, "Let's just say, I wish I'd never even heard the name 'Orochimaru.'" "Could you tell me about him? Your grandfather? And the Nidaime too, Eiji said he was your great uncle." She put an arm around the boy, "It's been a long time since anyone's asked me to tell them a story. I'm a little rusty." She grinned, "And since I'm sadly sober, I guess it won't be too much trouble. Why don't you go see if Kin wants to hear about them too."

People starting clapping and barking when Kidoumaru and Sakura walked into the poorly named Cute Kitsune ice cream parlor. Jirobou shook his head in disgust, "Is _nothing_ sacred?" "No." Ukon grinned, "Hey, I hear you guys broke . . ." Kidoumaru's hand clasped over the Twin's mouth, "_Don't_ say it." "What did you do, go _Cursed Seal_ or something?" Sakon asked, and then, noting the way Kidoumaru's face paled, "Oh man! You _did_, didn't you?!" Sakon, Ukon and Suigetsu began laughing wildly. Sakura walked over and looked them each in the eye, "Were you losers saying something?" "NO!" Sakon turned to Ukon, "She's scarier than Tayuya!" Tayuya shot an angry glare toward the trio

Kidoumaru sat across from his new bride and gave a cocky grin, "So, Babe, is there any place you'd like to visit?" Sakura smiled and took his hand, "Anywhere, as long as you're there." Konohamaru made a gagging noise behind them, sparking a round of laughter from his friends. "I was thinking," Kidoumaru said, ignoring them, "We could go to Namigakure. Swim, sunbathe on the beaches, I need to work on my tan." He laughed, then grinned wolfishly, "Mmmmm, you'd really fill out a bikini." Sakura returned the grin, "You'd look good in a speedo." Kidoumaru shook his head, "_No_. Well . . . _Maybe,_ if nobody else is around." Sakura leaned forward, smirking, "You could just go _naked_." "Ah, but then you'd have to fight off all of my admirers." "Nobody's going to get their hands on_ my_ man without killing me first." Sakura smiled, "And you'd die rather than cheat, right?" "I'll answer with the two most important words in a married man's vocabulary. _Yes, dear_."

Tayuya leaned against Shikamaru's back, "Why don't you take me someplace special?" "Because it's too troublesome." "If you want #! Troublesome, I'll show you #! Troublesome!" Shikamaru smiled, "How's the islands sound?" "Sounds just fine."

To Be Continued . . .


	21. Chapter 21

My Big Fat Ninja Wedding

Chapter 21

The little family dinner was going along fine until Tayuya opened her big mouth, "So, Sakura, _how's he ride_?" Kidoumaru dropped his glass, barely noticing as it shattered on the floor._ How could she ask that, and in front of my mother!_ Keiko turned bright red and Sakura started to cough, "What?" "How's he ride? Shikamaru here," Shikamaru moaned and lay his head on the table, "He's not nearly as #! Lazy as he seems. He's got a _lot_ of #! Energy . . ." "Tayuya," Sakura said through gritted teeth, "Let's not talk about that . . ." Kidoumaru was still staring slack-jawed at the kunoichi. "I better clean up this glass." Kidoumaru said distractedly, he jumped up and ran into the kitchen for a broom and dust pan. Tayuya looked around innocently, "What? Was it something I said?"

The next morning,

"Hey, freaks!" The Twins turned to see Tayuya standing behind them, "What?" Tayuya sighed, "I need some #! advice . . ." Ukon smirked, "I advise you to get plastic surgery for your face and medication for your Tourette's Syndrome." Tayuya snarled, "You're one to #! talk." She sighed, "I just wanted to know what color lipstick you wear." " _Aquamarine_, usually," Sakon said, "Sometimes _Powder Blue_." "Shut up!" Ukon turned to Tayuya, "We're not #! Sissies! This," He pointed to his lips, "Is a _statement_." "Yeah. A statement that you're a sissy-boy." The Twins spun around to see a smirking Kiba behind them. "Go hump somebody's' leg, Dog-Face." "Awww, what's wrong, Ukon? That time of the month?" Tayuya began to laugh loudly, "Tell him, Mutt!" Kiba shook his head, "Just teasing. I guess you could call it_ payback_." "I call it #! _Annoying_." Ukon growled, "Almost as annoying as that self-righteous Puppet-Boy." "What do you have against Maki, other than his bad taste in heroes and terrible sense of fashion?" Kiba laughed, "Kankurou can be an annoying, stuck-up creep, but he's still my brother-in-law and he did save Akamaru and me from you two sickos." "You _bathe_ with a _dog_ and _we're_ the sickos?" Ukon shook his head, "That's just wrong, man." "Hey, I know I can _trust_ Akamaru, that's more than I can say for you." Sakon smiled, "Shall we teach Dog-Boy a lesson, brother?" Ukon grinned widely, "_Indeed_, brother."

Iruka walked into his classroom and saw Mizuki leaning against the blackboard like he'd used to do when he taught beside him, looking over the empty classroom. "Mizuki?" Mizuki turned, "Hey, 'Ruka. I was just thinking about the old days." He smiled and nodded toward a certain desk, "Remember that time Akamaru relieved himself on Shikamaru?" Iruka laughed, "Yeah, and the bum still didn't wake up! If he'd have slipped into a coma, no one would have known the difference!" Mizuki laughed and looked at another desk, "How about that morning Lee decided to try coffee? He was literally bouncing off the walls!" "You can still see the dents . . ." He walked over to the window, "And here's where Sasuke was always brooding," he turned around, "And this is the desk that Ino and Sakura always fought over so they could be closer to Sasuke . . ." He smiled, "In the end, they both found love somewhere else." He walked over to a desk near the center of the room and looked down at it sadly, "And here was where Naruto always sat," he paused, "surrounded by people and totally alone." "He's not alone now, 'Zuki. He's forgiven you, and so have I. You know," He smiled, "I don't think anyone would object too much if you came back." Mizuki grinned, "You always were too trusting of people. No one who knows what I did would want me around their kids." Iruka sighed, "The Naraku family knows what happened. And, I'm sorry to say, because it was Naruto you tried to kill, not many people, older, stupid people at least, really cared ." Mizuki's eyes hardened, "I don't want the approval of people like that. I'm happy in Kusagakure. I still work with kids, kinda. Most of the customers at the restaurant act like spoiled brats . . ." They both laughed. "It takes the patience of a saint to be a teacher or a restaurant worker," Iruka said, "A lot of us just go nuts." "You're a great guy, 'Ruka." The two hugged and the sound of laughter filled the room, "I WAS RIGHT!" A voice came from the doorway. Both men turned and rushed after the cackling Zaku.

"Hey, you! Ichi!" "It's Eikichi." Naraku Eikichi turned toward Tayuya and the Twins, "Whatever, what color lipstick are you wearing? _Powder Blue_?" Eikichi sighed, "_Ice Blue_. And you? Looks like _Aquamarine_." Sakon smiled, "You have a good eye for colors." "He looks like a #! Explosion in a paint factory." Tayuya said, the Naraku had gone all-out with his colors, from his blue and white hair to his electric blue eyeliner and white-powdered face. Eikichi looked at the kunoichi critically, "This from a girl who looks like something that came out of a dog's rear end." Sakon and Ukon fell to the ground laughing as Tayuya turned bright red, "At least I'm not so #! Ugly I have to wear six pounds of #! Make-up to cover my face!" "Wait, that's your face? I thought you were mooning me!" Sakon and Ukon were helplessly rolling on the ground, gasping for air between fits of laughter. Tayuya rolled up her sleeves and stalked forward, "Oh, that's it! Prepare to #! Suffer!" Within seconds Tayuya was on her back, the boy's foot on her chest, "Don't try it. I'm stronger than I look." "WOAH!" Kidoumaru sped over, "Hey, Eikichi, I know how tempting it is to want to kill Tayuya, but she's my sister-in-law, she's kind of family." "Kind of family?!" Tayuya rose to her feet, "#! YOU!" She shot everyone present a bird, then stormed off. "Charming girl." Eikichi said, then slung an arm around the Twin's shoulders, "C'mon and show me where you buy your make-up."

Kidoumaru shook his head and walked back to where Sakura and Keiko were waiting. "Just arguing over who had better make-up." Keiko sighed, "Boys wearing make-up . . . Is it just me, or is the world getting really weird?" Sakura gave her a pat on the back, "No, it's not just you, the world_ is_ getting really weird..."

_Fin_ ?


End file.
